


when i wake up i'm afraid (previously called Gone)

by bixenboye



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Bipolar Disorder, Dark, Death Threats, Depression, Evak - Freeform, Even is pining, Excessive use of italics, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Inspired by papertowns, Isak is missing, Julian Dahl has ADHD, Love Confessions, M/M, POV Even Bech Næsheim, POV Isak Valtersen, Protective Even Bech Næsheim, References to Depression, Stalking, Triggers, papertowns kinda thing, the last part only tho
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-03
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-10 01:34:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 29,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12901143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bixenboye/pseuds/bixenboye
Summary: "I prefer a hotel room, by the way, Isak. Preferably a soundproof one. I want to hear you shouting my name repeatedly."Isak covers his face then but his blush is still evident to Even's eyes. Even dodges out of a black car coming their way just in time, being so preoccupied with Isak that he doesn't think twice when he sees the car park right outside Isak's apartment through the rearview mirror.This is going to be the best night. Even will make sure of it.••••••••••••••••••••••Or an AU where Isak suddenly disappears during prom and Even needs to find him.title taken from The Neighborhood's song "Afraid".





	1. Before

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, so this is my first time writing about Evak. If I got any information wrong in this fic, please forgive me. I am not from Norway and my first language is definitely not English. I do accept constructive criticism but please don't be too harsh. Hope you enjoy!

Even thinks this must be the most humiliating-slash-best moment of his entire life. He puts on his bowtie and adjusts his collar. And it's so _ridiculous_ , he thinks. But he doesn't have time to complain because he's already called in so many favors from Mikael, and he doesn't need to add one by whining and complaining about not having a necktie. If Isak doesn't like it, then he (Isak, not him) may have to deal with it (Even knows this isn't true, but he likes to think he isn't too far gone with this boy.).

But _of course_ , Isak likes it. 

When he arrives at Isak's apartment with a single almost wilting daisy in his hand, Eskild greets the door. And of course, the one thing he notices first above everything else is Even's bowtie. Not his neatly styled fringe, or the gold plated watch he had on his wrist that no one's seen before. Not even his shaky hands. _But the bowtie._

"It looks _so good_ on you," Eskild says but there's a hint of a tease somewhere in his voice that Even will purposefully ignore. The 22-year-old giggles, _actually fucking giggles_ , putting a finger on his lips like he can barely contain it. There is an inside joke here somewhere, but Even can't decipher its location.

"Eskild, who is it by th--- oh." Noora comes into view then, her signature red lipstick on but with an extra shine, like perhaps she put glitter on them. Her hair is curled perfectly and her skin tight sequined black dress accentuates her model-like curves even more. She looks almost like she's ready to receive her award on _Gullruten_. 

It takes a second for Even to realize that she's also staring at his bowtie. He is about to voice his thoughts regarding their sudden interest on his bowtie when Isak emerges from behind both of them and Even really shouldn't be shocked, this much he knows, but Isak looks absolutely ravishing. And totally _eye rape-able_ , by Even _only_ of course.

He's got the most endearing face: his lips are shiny wet from him probably licking it occasionally in an attempt to keep his nervousness at bay, his hair is shorter now, probably got a haircut a few hours ago and pinned just below his collar, is none other than a bowtie. It feels like a sign, Even thinks, that they are matching and the universe just doesn't throw away miracles like that everyday.

Eskild is laughing now, in the Eskild way only he knows how to. Noora hides a smirk of her own behind her hand. And Isak stands there. Looking a little lost but not after he sees what he and Even got in common and he's chuckling adorably.

"We're matching, eh?" His voice sounds small but his smirk explains everything. He accepts the lone daisy with a smile on his face.

"Guess we are." Even tries a smile of his own, a small one but he knows his grin is wider than the moon.

"Look at my baby gay," Eskild says, standing in front of them and trying to flatten down Isak's fringe and adjusting his lapel. "You've grown so much. I can't even believe it. And now you're off riding away to your heart's content with an equally attractive guy." He wipes away imaginary tears.

Isak rolls his eyes.

"No need to get all dramatic, Eskild. It's prom. And I'm not "riding away to my heart's content" though I may want to _ride something else_ by the end of the night."

Even blushes at that. Isak's being so flirty and the innuendo he's making sure got Even's _down there_ a little excited.

"Now, you go off now before you embarrass yourself." Eskild makes wild gesturing hands to shoo them away. "Don't do what I wouldn't do, kids. Though I wouldn't oppose on the riding part but do try to keep your moans between closed lips, 'kay? My family's calling me tonight and I don't want them to assume I have _horses_ in my apartment." 

It is Isak's turn to blush.

"Bye, Noora. Eskild." He says, waving at them, his head down as he saunters over to Even with colored cheeks. 

"What makes you think we'll be doing it here, Eskild?" Even can't help but ask.

Isak's ears turn a shade darker at that and Noora, who was standing by the door just a minute ago is now gone, probably gone to make herself even more presentable (if she isn't already). 

"Oooh. A fancy hotel then?" Eskild manages, a teasing glint in his eyes.

Even winks at him to which Isak playfully slaps Even's arm and drags him away with a soft "bye" thrown across Eskild's way. Even laughs at that and when they're both seated inside Even's red Audi, the daisy being played between Isak's fingers, the older boy teases him further.

"I prefer a hotel room, by the way, Isak. Preferably a soundproof one. I want to hear you shouting my name repeatedly."

Isak covers his face then but his blush is still evident to Even's eyes. Even dodges out of a black car coming their way just in time, being so preoccupied with Isak that he doesn't think twice when he sees the car park right outside Isak's apartment through the rearview mirror.

This is going to be the best night. Even will make sure of it. 

••••••••••••••••••••••


	2. It Begins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prom night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So originally, I was planning to write a whole chapter with only this setting but it was becoming too long so I decided to cut it into two parts and so this is the first half. Hope you enjoy!

It all seems _surreal_. The gym has been decorated extravagantly: fairy lights dangle from the huge cut outs of stars and the bright moon in the center; the middle of the dance floor was polished to perfection and the tables by the sides are decorated with small little stars. It all seems like a magnifying glass looking into outer space. But Even thinks whatever was mixed into that punch he's gladly gulped down as soon as they arrived could be blamed about that thought.

There's a gurgling feeling in his stomach, almost like he'd swallowed the ocean and it can't seem to calm down inside his stomach. When he looks at Isak standing just a few feet away, he thinks maybe Isak's the lighthouse that searches for his soul beneath the huge waves. It feels unsettling, to have to depend on someone else's guidance to make you feel safe, but then again, everyone would fight to have that sense of security. And Even's lucky he's already found his in the form of a lanky, bowtie-wearing boy (or man, if Isak can argue).

Sana smiles with Isak, her black lips pulled into a friendly curve as the both of them lean towards each other, Isak's phone raised above their heads. Even realizes now how he wasn't even there with his date as the younger lad takes selfies with people they know. The whole event hasn't even started yet and he's already helping himself to strawberry punch like he can't get through the night without it. What a lousy date he seems to be.

He's about to walk his way to Isak when Sana scowls, looking at Isak incredulously, whatever the lad said to her pissing her off. Her eyebrows furrow as she explains something back to Isak and leaves him there, the whole of her blue satin skirt billowing behind her.

Even's seen her mad before. Back when there was this issue of her posting bad stuff on _Instagram_ while staying anonymous. It was an issue no one seems to talk about anymore but everyone knows it happened.

"Welcome, students!" A shrilly voice resounds through the speakers. A woman in a red dress stands onstage with a microphone in her hand. Probably one of the teachers. But Even can't make out who she is. His eyes can't seem to concentrate on the woman and the lights all blur together. 

 _Dizzy_. That's what Even feels. A sharp throbbing pain in his head.  The sounds all around him are muffled and undistinguishable.

It's all too much. So Even covers his ears and closes his eyes and somehow, beneath all that noise, he hears a familiar voice calling out from the lighthouse.

"Even. Even, you okay?" A warm hand on his shoulder, then. 

Even clears his throat and wills the unsteadiness to stop. When he opens his eyes, Isak's leaning down on him, a stray strand falling on his forehead and his bottom lip caught between his teeth. He looks worried and if it weren't for the state he's in, Even thinks he might've kissed him.

"I am. Yeah. I am," was his reply instead, knowing that if he gets to taste Isak's lips, he wouldn't be able to stop.

"You sure?"

Even rubs his forehead in an attempt to soothe pain away. "Just a little dizzy. But I'm fine." 

People have started to crowd around the dance floor then and _wow, when did they got here?_ The woman has disappeared from the stage and replacing her high pitched voice is an upbeat song slowly rising in volume as it nears the chorus. 

"Already dizzy? God, what would I ever do with you, huh?"

Even squints his eyes. Isak has one of his sexiest smirks and _god, what would I ever do with you, Isak_?

Just then, Isak's phone rings and they both jump in alarm. 

"Magnus, gotta take this," Isak says, his phone already in hand.

Even nods. Isak looks at him apologetically ( _but why would he?_ ) and leaves for the direction of the front doors.

Even is sure that whoever was in control of the universe just doesn't like him that much. 

••••••••••••••••••••••

When Isak comes back and Even has settled in, they both decide to dance. It's one of the funky upbeat ones that Even knows the lyrics to and sings them to Isak in a way he hopes to be cute.

Isak giggles then, putting both his hands around Even's neck to try and tame his wild moves. 

"Stop squirming so much, people will think my date is a _measly worm_."

Even's eyes crinkle at that. "Oh, you're embarrassed of me. Just an hour ago, you wanted to insinuate something with me and now you can't be bothered to dance with me. Way to break a man's heart, Isak."

Even doesn't know where this confidence is coming from but he doesn't dwell on it too much as he places his hands on the shorter lad's hips. 

"I'm not embarrassed of you," Isak grumbles while burying his face on Even's neck. His warm breath sends shivers down Even's spine and around to his growing bulge. "Question though, do I still get to ride you at the end of the night?" _God, those words._

But before Even could answer with an equally flirty comeback, Jonas comes into sight and clears his throat awkwardly, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. Isak lets go then, Even's hands falling from their position on his hips. 

Even doesn't want to be mad. But he kind of is. Just a little.

"Can I talk to you, Isak?" Jonas' hands rest in his coat pockets. There's a hint of worry in his voice and he looks then to Even as if he just realized he was standing there. "Can I borrow him for just a few minutes?" 

And it feels unfair, that the universe is trying to take Isak away again. But he nods because he doesn't want Isak to think he's too clingy and they aren't even boyfriends yet.

Jonas grabs Isak away, leaving Even a little sad and half-hard in his pants. His friends save him from his own misery though when they all call him from one of the tables with arms waving manically. 

Adam was quick to tease him when he sits down with them. "Even's got more game than all of us combined. You look absolutely dashing in that suit," Adam says, going high pitched with the last sentence to point out a girl's voice.  

Mikael makes wild hand gestures and rough hip thrusts and it's weird but it's also kind of fun. Yousef is laughing; Elias can't keep from shouting the lyrics to the song playing and it feels nice. _This feels nice._

Even forgets how easy it is to deal with the world with his friends by his side. He may not have gotten Isak all by himself tonight (not that he was hoping to), but he doesn't have to get all mopey about it.

_Besides, the night's still not over._

••••••••••••••••••••••  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just also wanted to thank everyone who left kudos and gave me feedback. ❤❤


	3. That Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even kisses Isak. But the next thing happens and Isak is gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun dun dun dun...

"That Noora girl is definitely hot," Adam declares, not-so-subtly checking out the blonde haired girl dancing with Eva and Isak.

After storming out of a serious argument from Jonas, Even had seen Isak grab someone else's drink and downed it without even stopping. He had almost immediately spotted Even and had thrown him one of his apologetic smiles again when Eva, with a gray knee length dress and hair up in a fancy bun, appeared out of nowhere and dragged Isak to her and Noora's spot on the dance floor.

Even mouthed an "It's okay" to him when he saw Isak about to reject Eva.

And now, he watches as Isak bobs his head to the music and talk some more with the girls. Even knows Eva and Isak were tight a few years back before they found new friends in between classes and eventually stopped hanging out mainly because their only connection with each other was with Jonas and he and Eva broke up a long time ago.

But looking at them now, one might think they haven't stopped talking at all.

Noora, on the other hand, looks awkward and weird around them, moving her hips to the rhythm but not full on dancing. Even could see she's intoxicated as she grumbles something around her breath while the two pointedly laugh at her.

Even vaguely hears the other guys try to debate over something that involves William, Noora's ex but he drones them all out.

The short haired girl checks her phone and with eyes nearly falling off their sockets, she excuses herself from the two, albeit with difficulty because her feet don't seem to coordinate at all.

The song fades to an end with Eva and Isak still with each other. Even, blind to his newfound confidence, walks over. If you will ask him a few hours from now that he was going to do what he was about to do at this moment, he will most definitely laugh. Nothing like this ever happens to a sober Even.

Since Isak isn't facing him, he grabs the boy's wrist from behind and pulls. When Isak turns around, he places his free hand on Isak's cheeks, smashing his lips on Isak's in the process.

It is fast and Isak doesn't respond at first but Even's too clouded with his own thoughts to even assess what the consequences of his actions might be.

Isak's lips are _soft_. Soft in a way that makes Even thinks he's mistaken before. Isak is definitely the ocean. And Even is the lost sailor, trying to find nothingness but instead gets endlessness.

Isak doesn't kiss sweet. He kisses rough but his tender touches on Even's shoulder and neck say otherwise. Even opens his mouth then, exploring deep waters. And Isak doesn't try to pull away, instead he's opening himself to Even even more.

Their teeth clash at some point and the older lad bites Isak's lips which earns a moan from Isak but it is their first kiss and _first kisses aren't supposed to be perfect_.

It doesn't take long for Even to start realizing what he's doing and pulls back. He's breathing hard when he does and _holy shit, that was the best kiss he's ever had_.

Isak's eyes are small slits as he stares at Even like the kiss was a lullaby and he needs to sleep. But there's definitely a sexual metaphor in there somewhere.

"Wow," the short boy breathes out. _Wow, indeed._

Even scratches the back of his neck. It's awkward. They haven't talked about what they are before, but they're shamelessly flirting every minute they are within each other's space. What does that make them then?

And now that Even's stepped into unfamiliar territory, it feels like he's crossing a line. A line that has no label.

"I'm sorry about that," Even manages without looking at Isak's lips. "I don't know what got into me, really."

Isak doesn't laugh. He isn't even smiling as he usually is when he thinks the other person is ridiculous for apologizing.

Instead of reacting or responding, his fingers wrap around Even's wrist and he pulls him away. Eva is nowhere to be seen, probably off to find people who wouldn't suddenly stop at the middle of their conversation to kiss people who may or may not be their boyfriend.

They find their way outside with the chilly air. Even instinctively draws his arms around himself to ward off the coldness.

"What---"

"Shut up and kiss me." So Even does.

The kiss is sweet and slow because they have the whole night to do it. Isak's arms are around Even's neck, his fingers teasing the little hair by the nape of the other boy's neck. Even's are around Isak's waist. Isak's eyelids flutter shut dramatically and Even does as well.

It's intimate, somehow. And warm. _Definitely warm_.

The ocean has finally swallowed the sailor and introduced him to his deep waters. Soon, Isak's tongue slips inside and _it feels so good_ , as their tongues battle for dominance.

It's a matter of finally saying words without actually saying them and hoping the other person gets it. Their message is the kiss; their mouths, the messenger.

They finally break away, after realizing they badly need oxygen and because Even's _something_ is so hard to ignore (if he keeps up with the kissing, he fears it may be too embarrassing to even cover).

Isak is _glorious_. His lips are swollen from all the abuse and his cheeks are flushed.

His hair askew, Even notices how his hands are still wrapped around Isak. Like he doesn't want to let go. But it isn't just _like_ that, it _is_ that. He really doesn't want to let go.

"Don't you dare apologize for kissing me like that," Isak says, short breaths coming from his mouth.

Even is sure he'll have this image of Isak with bitten lips and messy hair forever etched in his brain for future references. Or when videos just doesn't seem to make it work.

"I won't." Isak smiles. But the moment is broken (once again) when they hear loud dry heaving noises near where they stand.

And of course, _of course_ , Isak takes it upon himself to take care of the said person (who is Vilde, by the way). _God bless his pure heart._

"Vilde, how much did you drink?" Isak's concerned tone makes Even's insides melt. _God, if you were planning to kill me now, just take me immediately._

The short girl's mascara is smeared all around her cheeks (evidence that she's crying); her eyes keep sliding shut as if she couldn't keep it open any longer and her laced thigh-length black dress has a wet stain in the front. She looks horrible which is beyond her because everyone knows she feels conscious of her looks.

Isak turns to him. "Could you get a cup of water, please?"

And really, who could resist those eyes? _I swear those are the death of me._

When he comes back with the said cup a few minutes later, Vilde is already sitting on one of the planter boxes on the sides of the building. His hand is slowly running up and down her back to comfort her as well as warm her up from the cold night.

"Thanks." Isak's smile is so genuine.

Vilde hasn't said anything but Even doubts she could even say anything sensible even if she could. She accepts the cup without any complaint or appreciation and throws it away when she drinks all of what's inside. Even is too enamored by Isak looking worried to even talk about her lack of manners.

The front door opens a minute later, Emma standing with relief all over her face.

"There you are! Everyone's been looking everywhere for you."

Her hair is longer now, just touching her shoulders and she's at least 2 inches taller than Isak because of her heels. She's grabbing Isak by the arm, saying how he's won "Prom King" and he needs to go up onstage. Isak's sad smile directed at Even is making him sad as well.

Even follows them (thinking maybe Vilde can manage on her own for a few minutes). He's still a little sensitive when it comes to Emma and Isak talking. It just doesn't seem right to him that Emma is almost immediately okay with Isak being gay after she's harbored feelings for him for quite a while.

The crowd goes wild while Isak is being led up the stairs to accept his crown. Even finds a spot close to the stage.

Emma's smile is queen-like as she accepts hers as well with the sash emblazoned with the words "Prom Queen". They both bow and when the slow song plays, they dance with it. _It's tradition_ , Even says to himself. _I shouldn't feel jealous over it._

But the next thing happens and it's chaotic.

The whole gym is bathed in darkness as all the lights go out and frightened yelps are heard from all around. Hushed whispers pass around, a feeling of dread making its way to Even's stomach. This doesn't feel right.

The teachers' loud reassurances are doing nothing to ease the panic slowly rising inside him.

The lights are back on in an instant. Even sees the crowd's confused glances around each other and when he looks up, Emma is still standing on stage but Isak is not there.

His eyes try searching around for Isak but the familiar mop of brown hair is nowhere. Dizziness starts seeping into Even and before he knows it, he's _falling_ and everything turns black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who gave this fic of mine a shot. You're the best ilysm ❤❤


	4. The Day After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even doesn't remember. And he needs to.

Even doesn't remember anything at all from that night. There was this empty feeling in his chest when he woke up Monday morning and seemed to settle into his lungs as he went to school.

But now, as he stares at Isak's friends and don't find him with them, the feeling blooms. Like some kind of negative wildflower, determined to outshine the roses.

He had an uneventful day. There were some activities that didn't need his procrastination and he had to endure boring 1-hour-long lectures without receiving a single text from the person he's so endeared with.

It was odd. Isak always had his phone with him and always replied to his puns. Basically, he always had something to reply with even if Even's last text seemed to end the conversation.

But Even's phone remained silent the whole day.

"Then, I saw this chick start---" Magnus' loud voice stops as he sees Even approaching them.

He lets out a manly squeal and takes Even by surprise when he gives him a full blown hug. With awkward limbs and a goofy smile on his face.

Jonas shakes his head in disbelief. Mahdi smirks.

"Even!" Magnus shouts when he releases the taller boy. His smile reaches his ears.

Magnus always adored Even. He thinks the older boy is just so cool to be with and that he's so lucky to even be associated with him. _No homo, though._

It became quite a shock when he found out Isak was going to prom with Even, _who was the coolest guy in all of Nissen_ , and was so sad he couldn't go have fun with them. To him, Even is the cool older brother he never had and the famous popstar friend he wished he was friends with all rolled into one.

"Magnus." Even smiles, a tad fake but no one needs to know that.

Actually, no one needs to know how he's smile doesn't even reach level 1 of the genuineness scale. No one needs to know that for his smile to reach that level, there should be a certain someone added to the equation. And no one needs to know that that certain someone hasn't shown up all day, hasn't replied to any of Even's texts and has disappeared altogether.

And the worst part of it all was the fact that Even last saw him at prom and he didn't even know what they did there, to be honest. Mikael told him that morning that he took him home when he basically fainted in front of everyone and when he was asked how Isak reacted to it, he avoided the question and Even was too tired to point out that bananas aren't a good topic shifter.

He had no clue what happened that night. And the anxious part of him thinks maybe what happened that night may have something to do with Isak's disappearance at school.

The logical part of him reasons that Isak was just probably not feeling well, like the general population who don't go to school. But there was a hole to this theory. If Isak wasn't feeling well, there was no reason for him not to reply to one of Even's texts. Unless he lost his phone, or got his fingers chopped.

"Have you guys seen Isak?"

The three boys look at each other when Even asks that and even Magnus decides to shut his mouth.

"Haven't seen him, no."

"Nope, he's not in school again."

"It's just one of those days."

They all reply simultaneously, looking to each other for consolation then away. But it was Magnus' answer that makes Even's ears perk up.

"One of what days?"

Magnus stays silent after that so Jonas decides to speak up.

"It's nothing, man." Even doesn't notice Mahdi glare at Magnus and his big mouth.

"I'm just kind of confused that he, uhm, doesn't reply to my texts? Has he lost his phone or something?"

Mahdi adjusts his cap and answers. "Don't worry about it, man. Isak's probably turned his phone off and forgot to turn it on the whole day. He's dumb, like that."

Even lets the comment slide. Besides, it would be weird to defend Isak's honor in front of his friends.

"Okay, then. Do you know when he'll be back though?" He's itching to get his phone out and text Isak himself. He refrains though because the amount of messages he's sent is too large for normal.

"No, man. Sorry."

So Even excuses himself from their group but not before being engulfed in a hug by Magnus who proclaims to text him after school. His anxiety gets into the tram with him and even goes inside to his flat.

_What if I made myself look even more embarrassing?_

Isak's friends didn't even worry, surely he looks weird in front of them. Not to forget _clingy_.

And then there's still the fact that Isak's probably thought of him as clingy before and that's why he hasn't replied to any of his texts until now? Maybe Even's seeing this as something else than what it really is? Because they're not in a relationship, but they've kissed. How is Even supposed to think about that?

Sonja greets him when he enters the kitchen, holding a spatula and an apron around her waist. The smell of pancakes wafts through the air and Even knows it's supposed to be dinner but he also knows the only thing Sonja can manage to cook are pancakes. So he doesn't make any comments about it.

"How was your day?" Her apron is a perfect pattern of snowmans and christmas trees, Even notices.

"Eh, okay."

"You and that Isak boy finally put a name to," she gestures to Even and then the air, "whatever you're both in right now?"

Even quirks one side of his mouth in a grimace. "He's not in school today."

His thoughts take turns interrogating him again. Maybe he's overreacting with all this and maybe Isak just forgot to turn his phone on because he's busy getting well from a fever. He's worrying so much over nothing but he's almost sure that the one thing he's worried about most is not knowing how Isak feels about him.

"Oh. Want some pancakes?"

The thing Even loves about Sonja is how she's able to calm his thoughts and be the steady anchor that keeps him from floating. She always knows what to say, at the right moment and at the right time and most importantly, knows how to handle his anxiety. They've been roommates for 2 years but they've been friends since they were both in diapers so maybe that's why Sonja knows him like her own brother.

"Yes, please."

Maybe what he needs right now is a hearty meal and good company.

••••••••••••••••••••••

The week passes on and Even is too caught up with his schoolwork to notice that Isak is still not at school. But when he finally does, his worry increases.

The lad's friends don't seem to worry too much about it but Even doesn't approach them again.

When Mikael meets him after school with a huge grin on his face, Even's frown deepens. That grin only means something. And _something bad_.

"What is it, Mik?"

The shorter boy's eyebrows shoot up as he fakes innocence. "What do you mean? I don't have anything to say to you."

"Yes, you do. And unless you want a smack on the head, you better get on with it." Even walks briskly, Mikael barely catching up to his long strides.

"So, you know that girl from prom? Who I danced with for a long time?" When Even shows no sign of understanding, he continues. "The one with the purple ribbon and the gold purse? The one you almost spilled your drink onto?"

"I don't remember _shit_ that night, Mik." He remembers dancing to Isak and laughing with his friends but the memory is definitely short and when he tries to remember it, his mind goes foggy. "I must've been so trashed, but what about her?"

" _Trashed_? Man, what did you bring to prom night? _Vodka_?" Mikael's smirk is so annoying Even wants to slap it off his face.

"The _punch_ , you idiot. Why would I bring vodka to school?"

"What do you mean _punch_? There's barely any alcohol in it from what I've heard. You can't have been drunk from that. Wait but..."

Mikael doesn't get to finish his sentence. Even's already shaking his head.

"I don't take my medications unless I'm in an episode remember?"

It's actually so shocking that Even doesn't stumble over the words " _medication_ " and " _episode_ " if it weren't for the situation.

"Maybe you were _drugged_?" Even shakes his head. That's impossible.

He's been drinking the same punch everyone's drinking and if the punch is indeed drugged, everyone must have felt the effects too.

"Anyways, moving on, what were you on about again?" Even asks, deciding to change the topic before his anxiety gets the best of him.

They stop at KB, then and they choose a seat by the window. Mikael's voice is steady as he goes over the details of what may or may not be his date tomorrow with Tori, the girl he _can't stop thinking about since prom_.

But Even's mind isn't in that place. If he's been drugged, and _only him_ , there must be a reason for that. Ever since Chris' accident at a party, everyone made sure that drugs stay in cookies and alcohol stays in beer.

This doesn't all add up.

"Are you even listening to me?" Mikael's voice breaks Even from his train of thoughts. He also notices that Mikael's already munching on a donut and even got him coffee.

"If you're so worried about what happened that night, maybe you should just ask the people you've associated with."

"How could I know who I talked with that night, idiot? The only person I remember talking to was Isak and of course, the gang. Though I did remember seeing---"

_Sana smiles with Isak, her black lips pulled into a friendly curve as the both of them lean towards each other, Isak's phone raised above their heads._

Sana. Sana Bakkoush. Maybe he should start there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am super sorry for the late update. I had my exams and I was so stressed apparently. (but who am I apologizing to? No one reads this anyway huehuehuehue)  
> Anywho, I hope you all had/will have a wonderful day (it's night here so). And thank you ❤


	5. Sana

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sana's side of the story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flashbacks are in italics.

There's this big social circle that girls are divided into. The first half is composed of girls with faces full of makeup and mouths full of gossip. Girls who only know how to have fun. In the other side of the circle are girls with simplicity as their look and with no care whatsoever if their clothes are the new trend.

And then there's Sana.

She fits somewhere in the middle of the two but at the same time she's her own circle.

 _Strong_ , that's what Even thought when she first saw her, glaring at a Penetrator because he was talking badly about Vilde. Even even thought she'd punch him but surprisingly, she didn't. 

The second time Even saw her, she was with Isak and he's never seen Isak looking so mortified before. Sana was laughing at him, their gazes still fixed on Sana's laptop as they compared answers. They're Biology partners and somewhat friends, as Isak told him that one time. 

_"I don't know if we're friends or not friends," Isak said while munching on his cardamom and cheese sandwich, "Sana doesn't do friends."_

_Even nodded at that, not sure what to say._

He's seen Sana before, with her brother, Elias when the gang were at Elias' house but he's never spoken directly to her before. Never had any reason to talk to her, to be honest. 

So that's why Sana's eyebrows practically shoot up to line with her _hijab_ when he approaches her Monday morning. Her stare is intimidating.

"What can I do for you?" She scratches the side of her nose, but curiosity and suprise is still written all over her face.

The bell has long since rung, the hallways now almost empty as the students disperse to their own classes. Even knows Sana's next class is Biology (he knows Isak's schedule by heart but no one needs to know that) and she doesn't want to be late.

"I have to talk to you about Isak."

"What about him?" Her expression hasn't changed but Even notices how she keeps on looking at the clock behind Even. 

When he takes too long to reply, she says, "I don't have all day. I'm already late in Biology and I don't even know what you want with Isak but we're not friends or anything."

Even stills. 

"So?" She shakes her head slightly as her eyes try to tell him to hurry up. Even's anxiety prevents him from speaking. 

_What if it's all in his head?_

"I better go," Sana proclaims, adjusting the strap of her sling bag as she turns around and walks away to Bio. Even _can't_ not know what's happened. 

So without thinking, he catches up to her and that's how he finds himself in a class he's not even supposed to be in and becomes instant partners with the girl who can't seem to stand him. 

Sana doesn't look at him when the teacher starts with her lecture, pretending to be interested in whatever the teacher's writing on the board. But Even knows she knows this topic already. Isak told him Sana always studies ahead in Biology.

Whatever Mikael said to him to convince him is enough to make Even regret doing this in the first place. Yes, Sana's seen him that night and she and Isak even took a picture together but that doesn't automatically mean whatever she says is _what happened_. 

He's curious and a little afraid to know what went on during prom night, but that isn't enough to suddenly ask people around if they knew if he's been drugged or if Isak was okay that night.

At the end of the day, he's not really doing this to find answers or to finally silence the questions in his mind but to drive away his _fear_. Fear that Isak's feelings aren't the same as his own. He's only being selfish. And it's too late to walk out of the classroom now.

"Hey," a voice mutters beside him. "I think the teacher's looking at you a little weirdly for like a few minutes. I think it might have been the frown on your face." 

Even chuckles at that. Sana's strong but she doesn't have a cold heart. 

"What are you so worried about Isak anyways?" Her statement is directed at Even but her gaze is at the front of the room, her hand scribbling away without even looking at her notebook. Even is so amazed with her multitasking ability that he almost forgets she asked him a question.

"It's about prom night, actually." Even's gaze flits to the front of the room when the students groan in unison. They're going to have a quiz tomorrow. They, meaning, he's not included since he's not even in this class.

"Could you tell me about what happened that night? I remember you taking a picture with Isak and then you went off looking so pissed."

"You think I might have something to do with Isak's disappearance?" Her tone is not accusing. But Even flushes and starts to backtrack.

"No, I mean, like not necessarily but like, yes he's not, I mean---"

"Relax, I'm just teasing. But anyways, that night I do remember..."

_Isak tried to cover the blush forming on his cheeks as Sana teased him._

_"You even got matching bowties," Sana laughed. Sana had always known Isak's crush on the tall guy ever since his first day at Nissen. And she's had to endure countless pining and whining from Isak during Biology class to prove it._

_"I didn't know we matched," Isak tries to reason. But Sana just laughs at his blushing face because she knows better._

_"Why don't we just take a photo?" Sana grimaced._

_She didn't hate photos but something about the way everyone had to smile in them makes her nauseous. Like smiling had to be part of the picture or else it didn't count as one. It felt automatic and fake somehow._

_"Okay."_

_When Isak raised his phone above their heads and she saw herself smiling automatically, she noticed a shadow from behind them move and a figure wearing a yellow sweater emerged. Then the click went off and Isak was so fast to look at what they've captured that Sana barely had time to react._

_All the colors were drained from his face as he examined the picture closely, his fingers moving away from each other on the screen to zoom in on the picture. His expression changed. He almost looked afraid but the next thing happened and his lips were a thin line, completely serious that Sana thought she might've imagined it._

_"Let me see," Sana said, hands reaching for the phone but Isak dodged away._

_"It was a bad picture. I deleted it."_

_"Isak, what---"_

_"There's nothing wrong with me. I am tired of people always asking me that," the lad seethed. Sana had never seen Isak look so troubled and stressed out. That wasn't what she was about to say but she didn't correct him. She also had an inkling about why Isak was reacting that way._

_"If this is about---"_

_Once again, Isak interrupted her. "I don't wanna talk about that."_

_"Isak, please just tell me," Sana pleaded. She'd been worried about the boy ever since he'd shown up to class with restless eyes and darkc circles around them._

_Isak told her that he's had trouble sleeping ever since his father started contacting him again. She knew she could do nothing about his family problems but Isak could always share his burden to her so he wouldn't have to deal with it alone._

_"Sana, I'm not your friend remember?" It hit a chord in her._

_"Fine," she snapped. "Why am I even bothering?"_

_She walked away then, too hurt to admit that she doesn't see him as a friend but as a brother now. She was too caught up in her emotions that she failed to mention about that mysterious figure she saw. But she was too stubborn to try talking to Isak again that night._

Even blinks. Once. Twice. He vaguely remembers seeing them and the memories start creeping in. 

"That's all I could say, really. I mean, that figure could be nothing but I don't know." Sana's looking at him now.

But before he could ask, his phone rings and startles him. And he remembers...

_Just then, Isak's phone rings and they both jump in alarm. "Magnus, gotta take this," Isak says, his phone already in hand. Even nods. Isak looks at him apologetically (but why would he?) and leaves for the direction of the front doors._

He talked to Magnus. Magnus Fossbakken. Maybe he knows something as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are the greatest ❤❤ Thank you all for reading this fic of mine (this sounds like an ending but it's really not) and I hope you all are doing great. ❤❤❤ Tell me what you guys think.. Do you think Sana is lying? Or is she telling the truth?


	6. Julian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens when Even tries to talk to Magnus.

His phone's ringtone snaps him back to attention.

 _Mom_ , it reads on the screen.

"Hey, Mom," he answers, the phone pressed to his face. All the students have filed out of the room, apparently. Lunch has already started.

"Dear, I just wanted to check up on you," his mother's voice says through the phone.

Sana stands up beside him and she gives a small wave while shouldering her bag. He smiles in return, nodding.

"Yeah. I'm fine, Mom." His tone sounds bored and he hopes his mother doesn't catch up because if she does---

"Honey, I'm just calling to ask how your day's been so far. I didn't mean to interrupt something there."

Even feels guilty. He knows it's necessary for his parents to call him in case his episodes start occuring again and _God knows what he'll do_ then.

"I'm not like doing something right now, Mom. It's fine," he reassures her. His books make a loud sound as he drops it to the ground. The sound doesn't fall on deaf ears.

"Is everything okay, there?"

He's quick to reason. "Yes, Mom. Look, I have to go now, though. It's already lunch and I don't want to be waiting in line."

He's already out the door, the teacher waving at him to " _come by again_ " or somewhat. She's definitely weird.

"Okay, then. But please call if you need anything, alright?"

"Will do. Bye Mom, love you."

"Love you, too." A sniffle then the line goes dead.

Even shakes his head in disappointment. No doubt about it, he's making his mother worry more than intended.

There's 2 texts from Julian, he sees when he looks at the screen again. Julian, his _real_ Biology partner.

 _Where are you?_ , the first one reads.

_I can't survive Biology without your stupid puns._

Even smiles at the second one. It's been an inside joke between the two. The first thing Even said to him was a measly old pun and Julian makes sure to tease him all the chance he gets even though he's never tried puns with Julian again (the first one was mortifying enough).

He arrives at the crowded cafeteria, eyes already looking for an empty seat. There doesn't seem to be one and he's ready to leave the place until Magnus' voice calls out to him at the last second.

Even spots him a few tables from the door, waving his hand around. He also sees the usual gang, Mahdi and Jonas and an empty seat that's supposed to be for Isak.

Now that he thinks about it, he's trying so hard not to miss the younger boy by busying himself with other things. He's still not replied to any of his texts and there's a small hope that died with his absence.

"Even, there you are!" a voice exclaims.

It's Julian, in his flesh and bones, standing a few feet away from him with a tray. He's styled his hair up today, unusual for him, but he's overall a really weird guy so Even doesn't think too much about it. In his tray are plates of salad dressing and sliced fruits. Which is so different from his usual chips and fries and all things greasy.

"Is this the real Julian?" Even teases, when he's near enough to hear his voice.

"Quit it, _Pun Boy_. I've started a healthy lifestyle now, free from all things junk."

His smile is so unlike him that Even can't help but burst out laughing. Even can't count the number of times Julian shows up to school with a different persona (once, he went to school with flower crowns on his hair, arguing that he's all soft and cuddly and twice, he's gone to school with eyeliner and a leather jacket) but maybe that's what makes Julian, well, _Julian_.

"Is it okay, if Julian sits here as well?" Even politely asks the boys seated on the table. Magnus shrugs, Jonas nods and Mahdi doesn't even acknowledge them in favor of his burger.

Even doesn't want to admit it but there's tension as he eats his packed lunch on that table. Magnus isn't even gushing about _how cool Even is_ (not that he's fishing for compliments or feeding his ego but he's so used to it by now that it makes him uneasy to see Magnus so silent when he's usually so loud). Julian doesn't see it though and if he did, he's doing a good job of not showing it.

"So, what are your plans for Thursday night?" Julian tries to make small talk but Magnus doesn't even look at him. Even gets _it_ now.

"There's a party hosted by the Penetrators in Chris' house. That's where we'll be. You wanna come, Even?" Jonas asks.

"We'd love to!" Julian enthusiastically says and it's so weird that Even notices now how Julian is making decisions with the pronoun " _we_ " as if they're best friends forever.

"We aren't talking to you," Magnus says, finally looking at Julian. The other boy just grins, holding his hands up in defense.

"Any news from Isak, guys?" _Change the subject, that's it._

"Nope," Mahdi replies, his plate empty.

The news left Even feeling _deflated_. He's guessed as much by now that his friends still have no clue where he is but the confirmation of it still makes Even a little sad.

"I was about to talk to you about prom night, Magnus." Even remembers his _little realization_ a few minutes ago.

"What about it?" he grumbles, bread crumbs falling from his mouth in the process.

"Still eating like a kid, _Mag_?"

That's the last straw. Magnus is standing up and grabbing Julian by the collar of his shirt, their chairs making a scraping sound against the linoleum floor. They earn a few stares and mumbles.

Julian's joking face turns to one of panic. Jonas is on Magnus' left side; Mahdi, taking the other and they're pulling him away from Julian. Even doesn't notice how his hand is already on Julian's shoulder and he's right behind him as well.

People are already whispering, Even can tell. The whole place is devoid from all the excited chatter as friends are supposed to chitchat with each other and jokes are passed around.

Everyone is looking at the little scene Magnus started and it isn't looking good. If someone reports this, even though it hasn't turned into a fist fight (yet), they might be sent to the principal's office.

"Let's just go, Mag," Jonas says, dragging Magnus away from them. Magnus looks to Even apologetically.

The three of them pack up their bags and leave, a silent Julian and a stunned Even still standing by the table.

"Well, that's that," Julian nervously states, wiping his sweaty palms on his pants while he takes a seat again.

Even follows him. "What _exactly_ happened just now?"

"It's a long story, Even. Let's just eat for now."

Julian is a few months younger than him but the way he says it, Even can only nod.

He only wanted to know what happened on prom night and now he's being greeted with other questions. Questions which he's sure he'll find the answers to at some point. Just _not now_.

_When has his life become this dramatic?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys are having an awesome day. ❤❤ ilysm


	7. Magnus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Magnus' side of the story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double update because I can't wait for you guys to read it. I feel like this chapter is important. And because we all deserve this.

The day passes with absolutely nothing that Even can look forward to. He's finally up to terms that whatever happened that night has nothing to do with Isak. Or maybe he's just too tired to answer the questions circling in his head.

He's decided that he's finally done sticking his nose in other people's business. If Isak doesn't go to school tomorrow or the day after or the week after, he will have to suck it up, deal with it and shut up because look where that took him.

And besides, if he went missing suddenly, he doubts Isak will find him immediately unless of course he's gone from his apartment completely (Yes, he's talked to Noora last week and Isak's not home but that doesn't automatically mean he isn't at his parent's house or just enjoying a vacation a few miles away by himself. _Why didn't Even think of that before?_ ).

He's _done_. He and Isak are not in a relationship. So he can't worry that much. Or _can he_?

"Even!" Magnus, looking a little flustered from all the running, catches up to him.

"Hey." Even's hands rest on his pockets. He can't decide if a hug is too friendly or if a handshake is too formal.

Magnus decides for him when he slaps his back good-naturedly. "I just want to apologize for that scene I caused a little earlier." He looks a lot like a kicked puppy.

"Mags, it's okay."

The younger lad's smile appears at the sound of his nickname. If Even didn't know any better, he'd say Magnus is a little head over heels with him.

"Julian just gets on my nerves. He's always such an asshole whenever I'm involved."

They walk with hushed voices. "I don't think he's trying to be."

Julian is unpredictable but Even knows him enough to know he's a good guy. With a big mouth, apparently.

"Believe me, you haven't seen the worst of it yet."

Even decides to stay silent at that. Whatever hostility Magnus thinks Julian has against him, is none of Even's business anymore. Julian's his Biology classmate and Magnus is just the friend of his potential boyfriend which is currently MIA.

"Anyways, you wanted to talk about prom night, right? About Isak, specifically?"

"Yeah, it's kind of weird actually." Magnus raises his eyebrows in a look that most definitely says _try me_. "I don't remember most of what happened that night. Just bits and pieces. It's strange but I think I might've been drugged or somewhat?"

"It does seem so. But who would?" Magnus leans his head to one side as if he's trying to figure out the shape of the buildings. "It doesn't make sense, man."

"Yeah," Even agrees.

His head is throbbing, a dull ache just like when you resurface from a huge dive in a deep body of water. He's been having headaches like these lately; every morning when he wakes up, when he tries to read at night and when he's trying to remember _that_ night.

It's like his mind puts a barrier on what he could and couldn't do, putting a big gate in front of his limitations in case he forgot what they were.

It's bright and a little warm as they continue walking along the sidewalk. But of course, Oslo is a fairly cold city so Even's still feeling some harsh wind nip at his exposed neck and warmth comes from his palms as they rub against each other.

They pass by KB and Even's not sure where they're supposed to be going.

 _If_ they are even going somewhere together.

_God, anxiety is the worst._

"Want to get some kebabs? The boys and I found this great kebab place just around the corner and Isak---" Magnus stops himself, not sure if saying his friend's name is allowed in their conversation. Even sees the hesitation in his eyes and maybe, confusion?

"We should go, then."

Magnus' bright eyes shine with happiness at that.

••••••••••••••••••••••

"What do you think?" Magnus asks, his kebab still uneaten as he waits for Even to savor his first bite.

Even's only tasted kebab a few times in his life but he thinks maybe, this is the best one so far and he tells Magnus so. The younger lad preens at the comment.

They munch away in silence after. Magnus isn't terrible company and Even thinks if it was Isak here with him, he'll feel contented just the same. The silence accompanied with the buzz of people's chatter is surprisingly comfortable.

Even doesn't know why Magnus suddenly wanted to have kebabs with him rather than his friends. He doesn't know where said friends are. He doesn't know if Magnus thinks they're friends of some sort and all that. He doesn't know but he thinks maybe he needs this.

This silence after all the chaos going on in his head. When you've always heard your own voice for days on end, scrutinizing your every move, silence with someone is the best thing you'll probably get.

"I figured you should know something about Isak that night." Even freezes but he listens closely.

_"Magnus, hi," Isak said, his usual cheerful tone greeting Magnus on the phone._

_Magnus pretended to puke, weird gagging sounds pouring from his mouth that if anyone would've heard, might have been taken the wrong way._

_"Stop sounding so_ in love _. It's making me gag, man."_ _He could actually imagine Isak rolling his eyes from the other side of the line._

_"I'm just really happy, Mag. I hope Sana doesn't ruin the whole night for me," Isak said, sounding a little sad._

_"Sana? What did she do now?"_

_"Nothing. Just. Stuff, I don't wanna talk about it," he huffed._

_"Okay, okay. Relax. Geez, man. Anyways, are you having fun without me?"_

_"Of course I am."_ The little shit.

 _"I was being sarcastic, bro," Magnus complained. "What I actually meant was_ 'don't have too much fun without me' _." He said the line in a voice that he likes to call is his "Jonas" voice. He made his voice go really deep but whereas Jonas' is natural, his sounded like he'd just woken up from a week-long sleep and been almost choked to death._

_"Anyway, Mags, I was thinking." A completely serious tone took over and Magnus leaned forward in his computer chair, eyes transfixed on that one picture of him and his mother taken at the beach. Whenever he finds himself concentrating really hard or listening intently to someone, his eyes were always drawn to that picture. A habit, you could say._

_When Magnus didn't reply, he continued. "There's this really cool place I found on the Internet and it's not crowded. I think---"_

_"Wait. Hold that train of thought. What are you planning?"_

_"Nothing, really. I was just thinking maybe it would be nice if I stayed there for a while, you know. Chill and stuff."_

_Magnus breathed deeply. "Isak, please don't disappear again." His worried voice was so clear on the line._

_"Mag, I'm not, okay? Chill the fuck out man." He's annoyed._

_"I am, I am."_

_"Look, just forget I ever said anything to you okay? I've already got so many people constantly on my back. I can't have you adding to them," Isak said._

_"Okay. I promise."_

_"Magnus?" His mother was calling him from her room._

_"Look, I've got to go, my mom's calling me. Have fun." He cut off the line, not waiting for Isak's goodbye as he hurried to his mother's room. But not before sending Jonas a text to keep an eye on Isak._

"And maybe that's why he's gone now, I reckon," Magnus says, taking them back to the present.

Even suddenly remembers what he said before. "So this is what you meant when you said ' _one of those days_ '?"

Magnus just nods solemnly. He's twirling a stick in his hand, a nervous routine.

"He just disappears like that. With no one knowing where he's gone. Sometimes, he leaves clues behind to make us know where he is, that he's fine but other times he just vanishes altogether.

"Maybe it's because of his family, I don't know. I think maybe he wants to escape for a little while and forget about everything. And that's his way of doing it.

"But he comes back. Sometimes he's gone for a week and others, for a month but never longer than that," he says it like it's some kind of reassurance.

But something in Even's gut tells him this time, it's more urgent. This time, Isak isn't on one of his escapades. This time, it's something _so much more_.

Maybe it's the kebab. But Even feels a little more nervous.

He has to know where Isak is. But first, he needs to talk to _Jonas Vasquez_ , Isak's best friend.


	8. Mikael

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Little best friend bonding time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a filler chapter so you guys know a little about Mikael and Even's relationship. Slight trigger warning tho. There is a mention of Even's depressive thoughts so if it makes you uncomfortable, just skip that part. (I've put little *'s before and after that part so you'll know where to stop.) If there are any mistakes whatsoever or if I got any information wrong, I am terribly sorry. Anywho, enjoy.

"I'm telling you, Mik. Isak's not in vacation or escaping. _This time_ , I know something's wrong."

"Well, you can tell me that another time. It's _bloody_ 6 in the morning, Even," Mikael groans into his phone.

"I'm kinda standing outside your door, Mik. Can you please let me in now?" Even asks, completely aware that Mikael is not a morning person and that he must have a death wish. It's 7:05 in the morning; _technically_ , Mikael's not right but that doesn't mean he's safe from any kind of potential danger.

With his phone still pressed to his ear, he raises his hand and hesitantly knocks. The next minute, he's face to face with a semi naked Mikael with his phone also by his ear.

His eyelids are drooping, whole body slouched and a blanket thrown across his shoulders with the ends grazing the floor. His hair is ruffled, the sort of look Mikael wouldn't want to be seen in, especially in public and there's a wet spot by his cheek.

And Even stares.

Because for everybody's information, Mikael is indeed _attractive_.

His structure is like one that regularly goes to the gym but isn't making a big deal out of it while eating junk when he feels like it. He's tall, has perfectly white teeth and he's funny without trying to be.

Even has definitely seen Mikael in a new light. In a way that not all best friends have thought or imagined. And he can't tell you the amount of times, he'd wished his platonic feelings for him to go deeper because falling in love with your best friend is definitely _easier_. Even can't deny that his best mate is pleasing to the eye but he can never really see Mikael as someone he would spend the rest of his life with.

Though he knows of _one person_ he could think of that would mark all the boxes in his " _potential husband_ " checklist. But that's completely out of the question.

"Seven," Even mutters, pocketing his phone and walking inside with big purposeful steps as if he's going on an adventure. Or on his way to finally finding a missing person whose disappearance may or may not be of his own free will.

"What are you on about now?" Mikael grumbles behind him.

He hears Mikael's phone give a little thud from the coffee table as the other boy throws it there without a care.

"It's seven in the morning. Not six." Even finds his seat on the couch, plopping his feet beside him. He's always at Mikael's place that Mikael's grown tired of chastising him when he does that without taking his shoes off.

"Whatever. I'll get you some tea." He disappears to the kitchen, the white blanket like a snake on the ground following his every movement.

"I actually don't want tea. Do you have coffee?"

Mikael's turned back stiffens and he slowly turns around, ready to hear a " _just kidding_ " comment from his best friend. His eyes are disbelieving as he stares at Isak as one might stare at foreign symbols and alphabets.

"Wow. This is new. Since when have you started choosing coffee over tea?" Mikael sets to work, opening cupboards and grabbing bottles from inside them. "I mean, I completely understand that when we go to KB, you prefer coffee. But, _now, here_. In my apartment, with the company of the best tea specialist,--" he points to himself, "--you decide to choose coffee," he pretends to feel offended and surprised at the same time.

"You're not a tea specialist. You can hardly prepare _Pu Erh_ tea well."

"No need to get all aggressive about the issue. No reason to suddenly attack me with abilities that are yet to surface." The spoon makes a clanking sound as he mixes the powder with some hot water.

Even hopes the coffee tastes _at least_ decent. Ever since his coffeemaker broke down (courtesy of one Adam Malik who can't be trusted to his own devices), Mikael has been trying to live with manually making his own coffee. Even hasn't tasted one of his coffees before but with his tea-making inabilities, one can surely hypothesize what the results may be.

"Here you go." Mikael hands him the mug and sits down on the opposite end of the couch, grabbing the ends of the cloth hanging from his back to drape beside him in such a way that made Even think of Sherlock when he had a row with John and the latter left the house.

Even mumbles a "thanks" and sips the liquid when he deemed it okay to drink. The bitter liquid makes his way down his throat and he _groans_.

Because Mikael's never made coffee _this way_ before and _he_ had never made his coffee this way _ever_.

And it's _perfect_. Utterly satisfying as it fills his body with warmth and all things _home_.

"This is actually really great."

Mikael just waves his hand in recognition. His eyes are already blinking themselves to sleep.

Even shakes his head fondly. He came here to share what he's learned so far about that night even though he knows Mikael absolutely has no care about what he's going to say. But he listens. Sometimes he pretends to, but it still makes Even feel a little okay about his problems.

He's always been the _talker_ , never contented until he at least had shared a part of how his day went to anyone with ears. Except for when he has an episode and everything goes _haywire_.

**** stop here, you've been warned ****

Even actually remembers a time when he doesn't want to open his mouth and speak. Just lays there in silence, swallowing the emptiness in his heart and learning to love it.

But he never gets to love it.

Someone at least pulls him back to the present. Makes him realize loving his darkness doesn't mean he has to be _in it_.

He's actually afraid he'll go back there sometime soon with everything that's going on. The voices have been _insistent_ lately, tempting him to come closer to the darkness. With promises that it's amazing there. That he doesn't have to feel obligated to _feel. There._

That he will always have that one feeling residing in him if he joined them. That he won't have to learn new feelings and get hurt after.

It's so tempting for Even.

But he's made up his mind. He will try to resist it as much as he can until he sees Isak alive and well.

**** you can continue now, love ****

His phone dings with a new text. His thoughts scatter around until they dissolve into tiny indistinguishable specks of unformed ideas.

_Jonas,_ it displays on the screen.

_"Can I talk to you, Isak?" Jonas' hands rest in his coat pockets. There's a hint of worry in his voice and he looks then to Even as if he just realized he was standing there. "Can I borrow him for just a few minutes?"_  

It feels like a splash of revelation. He remembers feeling so selfish for being so mad at the universe for constantly trying to drag Isak away from him.

But now he thinks maybe the universe was using that night to foreshadow what is happening now.

Maybe the universe will continue to drag Isak away from him. And this time, it might be _permanent_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I should explain myself. I haven't posted in two days and this chapter isn't even totally relevant to the whole plot. It's mainly because of three things:  
> 1) There was a huge Physics exam I had to study for because it was hard as a brick. God knows, what my test scores are.  
> 2) I've been feeling so tired lately and my hyperacidity is acting up so I try to sleep a little early.
> 
> And lastly: I've been so busy with the decorations for our Christmas party which is two days from now and I feel so crappy because I think the decorations are still not enough. Guess who has anxiety like Even?
> 
> Anyways, I think I might not be able to update at least after the party but I'll try. 
> 
> I hope you guys still think this is worth a read and ilysm ❤❤


	9. Jonas

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jonas' side of the story.

The first thing Even notices around _Kaffebrenneriet_ that morning is its orange painted walls. He's not much of an orange kind of guy but when he looks around the place, he gets why people want to go back.

Aside from the scent constantly wafting around every corner of the building, the whole mood makes you feel _at ease_. Like you're just waltzing back into your childhood and tasting your mother's chocolate _croissants_.

The second thing he notices is the figure sitting at one of the corner tables with his back towards him. He seems to be the only person around, which actually makes sense since it's a tad late for the regular morning people and a little too early for the ones lazing around to have their coffee fix for the day.

He couldn't be mistaken. Those curls would be recognized _anywhere_.

"Hey." Even walks over and sits directly across Jonas, feeling a little uncomfortable about the whole setting. _Too formal._

"Hi," the other greets back.

Jonas' face is passive as Even settles down and they both look for words to fill up the silence offered by the cafe. Even sees how Jonas' jumper is yellow and he actually remembers Isak wearing one of those in a picture during his freshman year at one of those cool parties. Maybe they got matching ones.

In the end, Even decides to speak first. "Thank you for meeting me here. I didn't think you'd--"

"Let's cut to the chase, okay? You want to talk about Isak; let's talk about Isak."

His lips are a thin line, eyes not giving away any emotion whatsover. His voice is cold and withdrawn like a ferocious windstorm ready to conquer lands.

Even masks his face into something other than the shocked expression it was revealing a few moments after Jonas' voice cut him off. A sharp and very quick blow to the stomach as if Even's gone running.

"I just wanted to know what happened that night." Even goes to tell the story of how he's forgotten about it but before he could even finish his last sentence, Jonas silences him with a hand.

"Look, Isak has secrets of his own. And--"

"I know he disappears for no reason. Magnus told me." Jonas face morphs into one taken completely by surprise.

A waiter comes by to check in on them wearing a thick lipped smile. Jonas has been on that exact same table ever since he's arrived, hasn't ordered anything and of course, the cafe doesn't lend their seats to customers who aren't going to order. The waiter says all of this in a very polite manner that Even feels guilty about not even _thinking_ about ordering when he came in.

Jonas takes a cheesecake and Even chooses a chocolate moist cake just because they both think they owe the place a nice order. The waiter salutes to them, clicks on his tongue and scurries away to get their order for them.

Even notices a few customers already filling in the seats as the minutes pass by. If they want to talk about Isak in private, they better make it fast.

"I could tell you a few things about what happened when I talked with him. But that's all. I couldn't get near him while he was with you that night or with anyone else, actually." Even doesn't get why Jonas is making excuses when he doesn't need to be.

The curly haired lad's hands are tapping on the edge of the table to a steady rhythm. The action seems suspicious but Even shakes his head.

_Never let the anxiety take over._

Then Jonas speaks. 

_"Can I borrow him for just a few minutes?" Jonas asked. He'd been looking at the two of them dancing the night away and as much as he hated to confront Isak about what Magnus warned him about, his best friend instinct told him something was wrong._

_It was not Isak protocol to suddenly up and leave unless he had a good enough reason. And his reasons always reached Jonas' ears._

_But this time, he had to hear about this from Magnus and not from his own best friend._

_Without a second thought, he dragged Isak away only realizing a few moments after how he didn't even get to wait for Even to answer even though he knew Even wouldn't mind. The guy wasn't a selfish asshole._

_"Jonas, slow down, okay? You're going to make us trip over and fall," Isak grumbled behind him._

_They found themselves by_ _the side of the stage. There were empty boxes stacked against each other protruding from one of the stairs leading up. There was space behind them, a good hiding spot for couples to make out and for some people to talk privately._

_Generally, a good spot for Jonas to corner Isak and figure out what he's up to._

_Safely behind those boxes, Jonas immediately spoke. "Isak, you have to tell me what's going on."_

_Isak was ready to deny, admit he knew nothing of what Jonas is talking about but realization dawned on him._

_"Magnus told you." He wasn't even asking. He knew and he was annoyed._ So annoyed. 

_"Isak, we're your friends. We need to know what's going on with you."_

_Isak slapped his hand, which was still holding on to his wrist, away. "Nothing's been going on. And you don't need to know everything about me. If my parents think it's perfectly fine that they don't know what goes on in my head and my fucked up life, I suggest you do the same."_

_The thing was, Isak wasn't a sentimental person. He wasn't one to talk about his feelings like they were ideas he'd come up with for the past hour. He had always been so reserved and careful in treading across topics similar to that._

_Which made Jonas think that he's deliberately talking about them. Those words he uttered seemed forced. He was doing it_ on purpose _. But_ for what _?_

_"I am your best friend. Not your parents. There is a huge difference."_

_The lights hit Isak's confused and panicked face. Sweat has started to gather on his forehead from the heat and something else Jonas was setting his suspicions on._

_"You really don't have to worry. I just have to settle things, talk it all out with--" He stopped, eyes growing wide at the lack of control he had with his mouth._

_"Talk it out with who, Isak? Who are you going with on this so-called vacation?" Jonas felt himself go angry._

_It was mad enough that Isak was deciding to leave again like all those months before. He didn't need to know that Isak had someone else going with him and to "_ settle things with _" that someone was suspicious in its entirety._

_"Talk it with, with. I don't. Talk it with my dad." Isak's face fell like that confession took everything out of him._

_Except Jonas wasn't buying it._

_"_ Bullshit _, Isak. I don't know what's going on with you but I'm sure this isn't about your family. I know you."_

_"If you know me, you know better than to be a pain in my ass. Stop taking everything I say out of context!" A few people turned their heads when Isak yelled._

_"Isak--"_

_"Jonas, leave me alone!" He exclaimed._

_And Jonas backed off. Because he'd never seen Isak so frantic and angry and he's doing nothing to appease his best friend._

_Isak stormed away, pushing a few people out of his way in anger. Jonas felt disappointed for doing_ such a wonderful job _at talking to Isak._

At some point in Jonas' storytelling, their orders came and Even feels like vomiting as he stares at his cake and eats a small bite from his fork. He also sees Jonas taking occasional bites off his cake with that same expression on his face. 

"Something's not right. I don't know how to explain it but it's in my gut. I know, _definitely_ , that Isak's in trouble." 

Even taps his fork on the plate. Now he knows he isn't a fool for thinking the same way. 

" I want to help you. I want to find Isak. I want to know _where my best friend is_ ," Jonas declares with determination set in his tone. 

Even is determined to find out where Isak is and now he doesn't have to find him _alone_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So as promised, here's another chapter. Ilysm guys and I hope you all had/will have an amazing day because I know I had.


	10. Eskild

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even and Jonas go to Noora, Linn, Eskild and Isak's shared apartment. Eskild shares something.

Come Wednesday afternoon and Even feels a little hopeful.

He can now be assured that all his thoughts about Isak aren't formed by his anxiety but from the logical part of his brain. Jonas, the one who experienced it all, the one who witnessed _firsthand_ the peculiarity of Isak's means of escape is also finding the situation rather questionable.

(Also, part of him is kind of relieved that Jonas didn't automatically distrust him seeing as this was his first year at Nissen and had suddenly shown interest in Isak. He thinks even _he_ would be suspicious of himself given the circumstances. But Jonas thankfully doesn't and everyone knows how enamored by Isak Even is and his friends definitely have a say on their what-could-be soon-to-be relationship.)

Even doesn't hear most of what his teachers are rambling about all afternoon in all his classes. He feels kind of guilty everytime he hears the bell ring to signal the end of their classes and he doesn't even remember what their lessons are supposed to be about.

But, he'll find a way somehow.

 _After you find Isak,_ his mind supplies. And he couldn't agree more.

••••••••••••••••••••••

The _Kollektiv's_ effect has the same of a building meant to shelter minimalists. The walls outside are painted the same as the interior and it all looks bare save for a huge framed quote in English that is pasted right by the main floor's elevator. As Even and Jonas arrive at Noora's door located at the third floor, they find that the walls there are quite the opposite.

Even suspects Eskild has something to do with the interior design and the way the furniture is arranged because 1) Noora seems like the type to obsess over how the furniture is done, can't seem to get it the way she wants it after a few tries and gives the job to someone else, 2) Linn is too busy in her own world to even think about living room furniture and 3) Isak is not an option considering he can't even be bothered to clean his room and arrange everything there.

 _It's because of the anxiety,_ Even decides.

He's being so detailed and observant over little things because at some point, in an automatic way, like his brain seems to know it on instinct, he needs to find the closest way to get out of the building in case a fire starts or _something_.

He's too busy trying to count the stars in the framed painting outside Linn's door to notice that Eskild has served them drinks like the good host he is.

"I didn't know you guys would come. I would've put on something nicer," Eskild says, mirth in his eyes as he adjusts the red robe around his body. His hair is shorter now and he's clean shaven.

Jonas chuckles when Eskild tries to pose with a hand on the doorframe and a leg twisted in front of him that's dangerously close to having an injury. Even laughs as well, making sure to deepen the crinkles in his eyes in an exaggerated grin.

_Never let the anxiety take over._

He chants that sentence over and over. A mantra he doesn't want to forget.

"We wanted to talk to Noora about, um, some _things_ ," Jonas says. He's taken a sip from his juice (Eskild thinks coffee is too casual and tea is too formal and he explained it to them the second they walked in but Even wasn't paying attention.) and Even notices the wet circle made by the cold beverage on the coffee table.

He shuts his thoughts out and fakes a smile at the two. Eskild's figure is seated between them in the blink of an eye.

"She's out with William I think. But I think she'll be back in at least an hour." Eskild gets comfortable, leaning his body backwards with his two arms behind his head. A patch of skin shows on his left thigh as his robe juts up that Even tries not to stare at.

"I guess we'll wait then," Jonas declares.

Even hasn't said a word since he's been inside but his throat seems to have dried up. He's having a hard time swallowing, like perhaps there's something blocking his esophagus. Not that he has to think of his esophagus when he's having an anxiety attack.

_He's having an anxiety attack. God._

"Isak hasn't been home in two weeks. I seriously miss my _baby gay_." Eskild has his eyes closed, a sigh escaping from his lips.

This is a conversation Even doesn't want to take part in.

"Do you know where he might've gone?" Jonas is as still as a rock, eyes darting from the red haired man to Even.

"That's what we're actually here for," Jonas replies. His attention is caught by Even's still untouched juice.

Eskild sits a little straighter at that, dull blue pupils scrutinizing the curly haired lad. "What do you mean?"

Even misses the loud and funny persona of Eskild. That was better than having to face the inquisitive and serious side of him.

"We think Noora might have an idea of what's going on. We saw them dancing with Eva the last time we saw him." Jonas puts his glass down. He misses the wet circle and Even itches to align the glass with it.

"We think maybe he's said something to her that night and--"

"I don't think so. But Isak might've mentioned something to me a while back."

Even's palms grow sweaty.

"He's mentioned a stalker before. Someone constantly messaging him and texting him. Most of the time, the messages are harmless. Just a brief 'hi, how are you's but I've seen something a little darker."

Jonas rubs his palms together. Even stares. Eskild continues, a sombre expression on his usually cheery face.

"I've read a text saying _'If I can't take you to bed with me, I hope the darkness would suffice._ ' It scared the crap out of me and I told Isak so but he laughed it off saying it was all a practical joke."

"We have to report that to the police. I think this information is---"

"No." Eskild shakes his head. "We've tried reporting but unless we get some evidence that he's truly missing, there's nothing they could do about it."

"What do you mean 'evidence'? Isak's been gone for 2 weeks now. Isn't that evidence enough?" There's a vein straining on Jonas' neck as agitation starts to show in his face. Even could sympathize. Except he's too unfocused to show any signs of frustration at the news.

Eskild scratches at his forehead. "His parents have reported Isak being missing so many times before, only for him to show up a few weeks later and I think the police thinks Isak's disappearance now is just the same as before."

_I feel like I'm sinking._

The sunken boat has long since vanished from view. The ocean seems wide enough to swallow anyone whole.

 _No_ , Even can't think of metaphors now. Not when he has to concentrate on what to do.

Clearly, Eskild is now realizing how dire the situation is when he recalls a conversation about a stalker. Even doesn't see sense in any of this.

Isak's being stalked. He's now gone. Has been for a few weeks. He's showing signs of wanting to get away.

It only explains one thing. But the idea is _too preposterous_.

Jonas drinks his juice in one go, his frustration giving way to uncontrollable fear. _This isn't real_ , Even could see his thoughts written across his face.

Eskild is no better. The sound of his nails being bitten to pieces and the _tap tap tap_ of his foot on the carpeted floor are telltale signs of nervousness.

Even doesn't know what to do with the information he's being given. He doesn't know if everything he's known is what it is. If what Sana saw in the picture they took was real; if what Isak told Magnus on the phone was true. If Jonas really tried talking some sense to Isak the night before he disappeared. If Eskild has it in his best interests not to involve the police in this matter.

The lies could bleed into reality. Their statements could be false and he wouldn't know any better. Because he _forgot_ what happened that night. Instead of holding on to the last memory he had of Isak, his mind forgets everything.

He might be sick.

But before he can gather up the courage to walk across the room to the bathroom, only one fleeting thought passes his mind.

Isak might've been kidnapped. And the worst part is, _he might've known it was going to happen._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ilysm guys ❤❤ hope you all had/are having/will have a wonderful day ❤❤ peace out ✌


	11. Noora

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Noora's side of the story.

"Are you okay?" A hand splays across Even's hunched shoulders. Another still, rubbing his back in comfort as he empties his stomach, food and bile, out.

He knows that voice.

 _Noora Amalie Sætre_ , heart and hair made out of gold. She's always been fierce and vindictive when necessary. A superhero for all deprived women, if you like to call her that.

But Even always thought she's a bit snobbish and reserved. The kind where she only associates you with first impressions and when she doesn't think you fit the _friend_ category, she won't give you her time. But Isak always told him how Noora was so nice as to let him have her room when she came back from London after having a fight with William. And Even can't really talk badly about a girl who Isak thinks of as his _big sister_.

When he first saw her, she actually seemed pretty nice. She was all smiles and excited chatter, her arms slung around Vilde and Eva as their gang loudly made their way out of the school.

Until a Penetrator showed up and talked horribly about Vilde. Instead of directing her point and walking away with her head turned up like Sana did, she slapped him right across the face. A vicious _slap_ that had everyone in nervous gossip and curious questions of ' _who is she?_ 's and ' _how dare she slap a Penetrator like that?_ 's.

Even knew then that as much as he didn't want to be in Sana's bad side, it would _hurt_ as well not to have Noora in his good side.

Now, as he stares at the blonde haired girl with his hands holding the toliet seat for stability from his throbbing head, he sees the angelic demeanor Isak has always talked about. He sees Jonas by the door, looking a little pale as well.

"I'm okay," his groggy voice sounds weird to him. Everything around him seems to spin as he stands and with the aid of Jonas, he stumbles to the sink and washes his face. He gives a thankful nod to Jonas when the other lad hands him a towel after.

His bum finds the closed lid of the toilet seat, eyes squinting to finally familiarize with his surroundings. The green paint on the walls reminds him of a _certain someone_ 's eyes and he tries to block that thought before it fully forms into something that can only bring sadness.

_Calm. Calm down. You're not sinking, you're floating._

When he emerges from the comforts of the bathroom and from the confines of his own anxious thoughts, Noora has already changed into something more comfortable than a pair of jeans and Jonas is now helping himself to a sandwich Noora no doubt made him. There is no sign of Eskild anywhere.

"Feeling okay, now?" Even can definitely see what Isak is talking about. She has worried big-sister eyes and the voice that demands authority as well.

"Yeah. Probably had too much _cardamom_ in my sandwich for lunch." His legs are still a little wobbly. He takes a seat then before he fully embarrasses himself.

"Jonas told me everything already. And I'm determined to help in any way I can," Noora says sympathetically. Without the signature red stain on her lips, she looks vulnerable and sweet.

"From what I could remember..."

_"Isak, slow down," Eva said when Isak downed a drink in one go but she didn't show signs of actually trying to make Isak stop._

_Her gray dress rode up with her sudden movements and Noora upon noticing it, dragged it back down._

_"Stop trying to flash your thighs to everyone," Noora huffed. She always found it a little disrespectful when girls don't seem to realize when they're already acting like_ hoes _. Not that Eva is a hoe but Noora could definitely say that her standards and preservation couldn't be seen in Eva's vocabulary._

_Eva laughed then, waving her off and insisted that Isak dance with them. Noora could smell the intoxication on her. (Which also was imprinted on her but not that she recognized it. In her own little intoxicated mind, Eva's the drunk one and she couldn't be bothered with it. Also because a part of her didn't want to admit that she pregamed with the girls before prom.)_

_"Woohh! Way to drink Isak!" Eva slurred. She made vulgar gestures then that Isak only laughed at._

_"There's no alcohol in it, Eva," Isak said, enunciating every word slowly in Eva's ear as one might do to a child. Noora stifled a laugh. "I actually have a date I need to accompany this evening so would you please, exc---"_

_"Isak, stop whining and dance with us." Eva grabbed Isak by his lapel. Noora saw how Even waved him off with a smile and mouthed an "it's okay" to the lad when Isak tried to look at him apologetically._

_She could definitely see how and why Even is smitten for the blonde lad. Isak was such a sweetheart and everyone who had a heart would definitely fall for the boy. And it's not a doubt that Isak felt the same way for the older boy._

_As Noora looked on at Eva and Isak a little jealously, she remembered actually being in love like Isak before. She actually still was but she's definitely grown mature with the way she handled her and William's relationship. With Even and Isak, she could see the innocence and purity still in their relationship. The kind she and William had once when everything was new and they were still in their_ honeymoon stage _._

_"C'mon, Noora. Dance with us," Eva urged. Stray strands of hair fell to frame her face and already, they are wet with sweat and sticking to Eva's face._

_"I am." And she did. She gyrated her hips, a little slowly at first until she found the rhythm. She could hear Isak and Eva laughing at her and her uncoordinated movements._

_"So, how are you and the stalker by the way? Is he sending you nudes now?" Eva's clear and definitely drunk high-pitched voice made Noora stop._

_She's drunk, but she could still see the sensible side of things._ Since when did Isak have a stalker?

_"Eva, don't say it like that. He's not a stalker. He's just some twisted guy who thought I was the right target for a prank." The music was loud but Noora still heard urgency and nervousness in Isak's reply._

_Eva laughed for the umpteenth time that night. "You should definitely tell Even about that. Finally put a stop to the threats he or she,_ I'm not sexist _, was sending your way."_

What?

 _"_ Threats _? Isak you're receiving threats?" Noora's tone was full of disbelief. There was a difference in harmlessly stalking someone and sending threats to someone._

_This could be potentially dangerous._

_Her big sister role showed as she questioned Isak. "It's not a big deal, Noora. Just a prank. Set by someone immature, I assume."_

_Isak's eyes were cast downward but he still swayed to the beat. It's almost as if there's more to the story than Isak let on._

_"Isak, if the---"_

_Her cellphone rang at that moment._ Wilhelm _, it read on the screen._

_Noora felt guilty when she decided that their conversation would have to wait then. As much as she denied it, William was still her first priority._

_She excused himself from the two, William's voice sounding like heaven to her ears when she answered the call and found some place quieter._

_Little did she know how much she'd regret that._

"I know how Isak is with privacy but I think you, guys, should see his room." Her voice shakes as she ends her narrative.

Even is once again at a loss for words. There is definitely more to the story (if Noora is indeed telling the truth (his mind is still suspicious over everyone)). He stands with Jonas as Noora fetches the key from her room.

"I always duplicate keys in case one of us misplaces the original. I think you should see for yourself."

The key is light on Even's palm. But he knows it holds _something greater_. Possibly, a clue to Isak's whereabouts.

Even doesn't know what he expected to find. But certainly not a clean room.

Isak's bed is made, his duvet folded neatly above the bed. His clothes are hanged in his open closet and some of it, Even can see, are stacked tidily below the hanged ones. The laundry basket for his dirty clothes are empty.

His books aren't scattered around as Even remembers it to be when he first set foot in Isak's room. Even his little action figures are arranged so peculiarly that Jonas whistles in admiration.

And there, on his nightstand, beside his lamp and directly on top of his old but still usable laptop, is a piece of paper. The edges are sheared like it was hurriedly torn from a notebook. Beside it is a sealed box wrapped in red with little heart patterns for design.

The words written there aren't what makes Even's blood run cold.

 _'You smell better when you're asleep,'_ it says.

It's the content of the box beside it that does.

Inside, are pictures of Isak taken at different times in his room. One is of him in a red jumper, the other of him completely shirtless and the list goes on. 

And underneath it all is a small perfectly cut paper with the words: _Soon, your skin will be my skin and then, I won't have to wait for you to fall asleep to smell you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ilysm guys ♡♡ hope you had/are having/will have a wonderful day


	12. Sonja

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even goes through a depressive episode. Sonja is the constant thing by his side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HUGE TRIGGER WARNING:  
> This chapter is entirely made up of Even's depressive thoughts though I tried not to let it be too dark by using metaphors. Nevertheless, if you are easily spooked or uncomfortable or just overall don't like chapters like these, please don't read. You will still understand the next chapter without reading this one. 
> 
> You have been warned.

_Rock bottom._ He's hit rock bottom.

He's chin-deep into the ocean as he scrambles for the surface. Some of the water reaches his nose and he splutters and coughs, a very futile attempt since some of it goes to his mouth.

_Salty_ , that's what he thinks as his taste buds accommodate the waves into his mouth. They're not unwelcome, per say, God knows how much has slid its way down his throat, but they're unpredictable.

And Even is _done_ with _unpredictable_.

The sun's glaring at his still form, the light casting shadows on the moving water. He recoils in surprise at the dark figure, almost like a rattlesnake when disturbed in its slumber until he realizes how embarrassing it might've been if people are to see how he's just jumped at his own shadow. On his part though, it has been approximately 4 hours, 23 minutes and 6 seconds since he's reduced to his own imagination and began watching as the water rose up and stopped barely at his Adam's apple like it found the depth _deep enough_. He's been alone in that short amount of time so there's that.

Approximately 21 days, 6 hours, 4 minutes and 45 seconds since he last saw the ghost of a smile that continued to haunt him day and night. A smile, that if left to cover magazines and art gallery brochures would immediately fascinate anyone who watches.

But he's seen images of that same smile in polaroids. That he's found in Isak's room. And he's seen things from the photographer's point of view, has imagined himself in his shoes and _it's sick_.

_So sick_ that he could be the stalker if he wanted to be. _So sick_ that he could've taken those same photos and wanked to it like a teenage boy who got an _FHM_ magazine as a gift for the first time. It's _so sick_ that he could understand where this stalker was coming from because Isak is undeniably _exotic_ and _he feels so sick_ that Isak could be dealing with a psychopath and here was Even, feeling sorry for himself for having thoughts like these.

Even thinks maybe there are sick things in the world but nothing, _no one_ could compare to whoever threatened Isak, stalked him and possibly have him right at this very moment, taken as hostage.

"I brought some tea," a voice sounds from behind Even and it's new. Familiar _but new_.

A ship comes into view then, a hand outstretched on the decks for him to take. The pale hand is connected to a navy blue-clad arm and then to a collar hiding smooth neck and then to warm gray-blue irises. The hair might be longer, her clothes a little shabby and her overall outfit similar to Keira Knightley in that one pirate movie, but she's still Sonja.

"Wake up, sleepyhead," says Sonja like he's been sleeping. Which he clearly is not.

A soft tap on his temple and he's back to dry land. Back to the comforts (or discomforts) of his lonely rosemary-scented sheets and white cotton pillows. Back to _not drowning_ , where if he is given a choice, he'd still choose unprecedented, cerulean waves over. Back to despair disguised in a shape of a stalker. Who he's sure he could kill with his bare hands when he will know the identity of.

There's chamomile tea on her hands. Sitting there like it can't be warm enough for Even to drink.

He almost feels guilty for thinking bad things about a tea that's supposed to make him feel comfort. But he's realized it's an inanimate object. Inanimate objects _can't_ feel.

He thinks maybe _he's_ an inanimate object. He only feels _numb_. Numb _can't be considered_ a feeling.

"You might want to drink some of it before it gets too cold." _I don't want to drink anything,_ hewants to say but he guesses she already understands without him having to say it.

"Are you sure? I put honey, just the way you like it," Sonja pushes.

Even sips just because he wants to see a little smile on Sonja's face. But he's going to admit the tea doesn't do much to his disturbed stomach or his non-existent emotions. He could see Sonja's smile falter a little but he doesn't understand what it means.

"I brought a friend. Is it okay?"

_Of course it's not okay. I don't want to see anyone._  Even tries to convey it to Sonja via his eyes but if Sonja understands the message, she's ignoring it.

There's a soft knock on the door then. Even is _wrong_. There is no way this is rock bottom.

This is _just below_ rock bottom.

A familiar smile greets him, soft ruffled hair and gray sweatpants. Julian, Biology partner and absolutely _not_ his friend.

"Hi, Even. I'm Julian, if you can't remember me." _I'm numb but I'm didn't suffer from amnesia._

"I didn't know if you wanted to talk to him but I brought him in. Figured you need to see a familiar face," Sonja says, adding the second statement like she couldn't bear it if it wasn't said.

The lights are low but Even could see the bags in her eyes and the lines forming along her nose down to her chin. _What was it called again? Laugh line?_

He nods. Even though he'd rather Mikael be standing in Julian's place any day.

Sonja smiles like an _afterthought_. Like maybe if she didn't, a sentence wouldn't end. Like maybe if she didn't, there would be no understanding.

When she stands and walks out the door with Even's cup still full of tea, Even notices the light pierce through his window due to the curtains being pushed back. It's somewhere around 9 a.m. Thursday. He's been keeping track.

"I just wanted to say 'hi'." His bag is slung around his shoulders in a careless boyish way.

_Hi. You've said it. I've said it. Now you can go._

"I didn't go to Bio today. It just felt weird without you there." _Not_ 'didn't'. _Bio is still ongoing._

"I heard about you.. in this _state_. So I figured I could come visit."

Even actually feels bad when his thoughts try to turn on Julian and his words. He can't help it. But at the same time, he justifies all this, by thinking it's not really Julian's business if he's in this _state_ because as far as he's concerned, they're not friends.

It must've shown on his face then, how much displeasure he has for Julian's unexpected visit because the lad calls Sonja and mutters a quick "Bye. See you at school. Get well soon."

Like whatever Even's in right now is a disease he can come out of. Like it will go away with homemade soup and warm hugs by the fire.

Sonja knocks, entering with a twitch in her smile and her laptop in her hands. "I downloaded the newest season of _Stranger Things_. We could watch, if you want?"

_Already watched it_ , he says with his eyes.

" _The Big Bang Theory_ then?"

_Don't feel like it now._

"How about _Romeo + Juliet_? You can even complain all you want and I wouldn't say anything?"

He nods. Sonja smiles like it's _not_ an afterthought. She smiles like it's an instinct now.

••••••••••••••••••••••

When Even thinks he hears Sonja's voice through the door, talking to someone, he thinks he might be dreaming.

"No, there were no manic episodes before this."

There was a clang and a thud. "Do you think it's worse now?" Mikael.

"I think so. I just hope it doesn't affect his eating habits. I don't want him having stomach problems after."

"Want me to take over?"

"I can handle him, really."

"I'm not offering."

Even thinks she must be smiling, laugh lines ever prominent. "Thanks, Mik."

"I think this thing with Isak is taking a toll on him." Mikael's voice sounds distant. He's probably moved to the living room.

Even sits up, strains a little to hear their conversation.

"I know. Do you think we could do something about it?"

"We could bring Eva over? He's wanted to talk to her since yesterday."

There's silence. Then, "We can't, Mik. Even's not doing good."

"But---"

"I don't care if you think it would bring him out of that state he's in, but I'm not allowing it. He'll be stressed out about it even more." Her voice is raised, like a fist hanging in midair, ready to strike.

"Sonja, this isn't about just Even anymore. It's about him _and Isak_." He imagines Mikael's pleading eyes and knows no one can resist them. "If we can't bring out the sadness out of Even, we can at least try to bring his happiness to him. Isak is _his happiness_. And we need to find him."

"We could. We, we could find him for Even. We don't have to bring Ev---" Last attempt at convincing Mikael that what he's planning is a bad idea.

A sigh. "You know that's not going to work. Even will find out one way or another."

More silence. Then the sound of the television being turned on.

Even sleeps. Or at least tries to. He'll look back on that conversation when he thinks it's okay to look back on it.

He's back to the ocean. _Where he belongs._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to put it out there that this chapter is very vital throughout the whole story. And even if it wasn't, we should not all be ignorant of what goes on in the world.  
> Some people are depressed. Some are not. And we have to at least know that truth.  
> If you have friends, relatives, siblings, acquaintances, people you don't always meet but know who are depressed, please don't hesitate to call help. And by help, I don't just mean medical attention. It could come in any form. Therapy, just a quick chat or even just being there for them. Depression shouldn't be an overrated thing that all of us mistake for norm and just stow away for the next big thing. It is serious.
> 
> Anywho, I hope you had/are having/will have a wonderful day. Ilysm ❤❤


	13. Eva

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eva's side of the story. And more.

_"Oooh, Little Noora getting her happily ever after," Eva laughed. There was a shrill in her voice, a kind of combination between snort and boisterous laugh._

_"And you could do some as well," Isak said, pointing a finger to someone behind Eva._

_She rolled her eyes already knowing who he was talking about._ _"Isak, exes don't make good friends."_

_He was talking about Jonas._ Again _. It's all he ever talked about whenever he and Eva were talking. Which is not frequent. But whenever they do pass by the hallways together or happen to go to the same direction on their way to class, he talked about Jonas._

_"Jonas had never been with a girl since well, since you." "Jonas didn't have someone to go to the party, wanna accompany him?" "Jonas would love kebabs together, wanna come with?" Jonas_ this _, Jonas_ that _._

_Eva actually understood the effort Isak was trying to extend to her. But she didn't need it,_ thank you very much _. Eva guessed most of the reason he was really doing this was because there was still a part of him that felt guilty for harboring feelings for Jonas before and ultimately becoming the cause of his and Eva's relationship to break._

_No matter how many times Eva tried explaining to him that their relationship was doomed to fail in the beginning, his big heart still managed to catch all of the guilt he wasn't supposed to have._

_"Whoever said that wasn't very wise. Look at me and Emma." He shrugged his shoulders, puffing his chest out to look cool._

That's because what you had couldn't have been considered a relationship _._

_She didn't tell him that. Instead, she reveled herself to the music and didn't spoke of the matter again. Until her alcohol-induced mind caught up to herself, realizing the conversation they had before William's interruption._

_"By the way, about the stalker thing," she made a mental note of how Isak's '_ swag'  _gave way to shame. "Have you finally made up your mind to talk to Even about them?" She caught herself in time when she almost muttered a 'he'. There was no way the stalker_ couldn't _also be a girl._

_"_ _There's no point, Eva. I mean, everything's just_ complicated _. We aren't even a couple. I don't, I mean I don't know what we_ are _."_

_"Maybe you should try asking him that? Finally find an answer to all your questions?" She didn't know where this was coming from but Isak seemed pleased so she didn't take her words back._

_"You're right. I mean, you're always right." Isak smirked. "But I really think you should know something before I.."_

_"Before you what?" A slow song came on then, a very loud groan of disapproval from most of the crowd._ _There were a few giddy giggles from the girls as they start dragging their dates to the dance floor._

_"I just wanted to let you know that none of this is_ his _fault. Whatever_ he _could do, you can't blame_ him _." His hand gripped Eva's wrist in emphasis. Nothing of what he said is a joke._

_"What 'he' are you talking about? Isak what.."_

_Then Isak's other wrist is pulled backwards and Even's lips are on his in an instant._

_Eva shrugged. The song was perfect, the lights dimmed to create a nice effect, and what better way to do on the dance floor than kiss your date until both your lungs gave way? She shrugged again, not knowing for what reason this time but just on impulse._ _She sauntered away, lights directed her way, to find something worth her time._

_She forgot about the whole thing until she woke up the next morning with a hangover that beat all hangovers._

"And that's basically it." 

Eva awkwardly shrugs, still standing by the door with Noora. Julian makes a low whistle. The noise made by Jonas' palms rubbing together makes Even uneasy. Sonja's still rubbing his back like he could vomit at any moment. Like he needs the consolation. 

It feels _unnerving_. His room is suddenly too crowded, _too packed_ and he needs air. 

These weren't the people he needed right at that second. Maybe except Eva because she had a story to tell and a part that may or may not be vital to Isak's case. And maybe, Jonas too because his company is something Even can't refuse. He'd been Isak's best friend and thus makes him important in the whole picture. _He still is_ , his mind speaks. 

But Julian, who still hadn't backed down after yesterday; Noora, who he could tell was just there to be for Eva especially since Jonas was there and she wasn't close with anyone present; Sonja, who he could say is indeed very helpful but could sometimes be really overprotective? They aren't _supposed_ to be there. 

Maybe it's the depressing thoughts in his mind, but he thinks the people he wants to be there would have to be Mikael and Isak. Always Isak. _Never not Isak_.

And with that, he stands and leaves his bedroom with long strides. The living room hasn't changed, not that he expects it to, but a comforter has been added to the red sofa adjacent to the plasma TV along with some pillows. The only evidence that Mikael was indeed there last night and did indeed talk with Sonja behind Even's door. 

_He's flying_ , he realizes. When he reaches the front door and into the apartment lobby, the gust of wind that greets him isn't expected to make him queasy but it does. 

Footfalls are behind him, probably Sonja and maybe Jonas since he hears another set that couldn't have been owned by one person. Shouts of his name then, that startle him but he doesn't stop. Doesn't stop walking. Doesn't stop trying to fly. 

Doesn't stop to breathe. There is never enough room for breathing anyway. 

_Oh God. What if Isak's not breathing now?_ He can't breathe. He can't let himself have the one thing Isak might not have. 

And that makes him stumble. Not head first into the tiled floors like you see in movies where someone slips on a banana. _That's just ridiculous_. But just enough to make him stop for a second and Jonas to catch up with him. 

"Even, stop." Low gravelly voice accompanied by a hand on Even's wrist.

"I need to get away." His only reply. 

Jonas nods. He doesn't understand. But Even can still believe he does. In that moment. 

The curly lad tosses him keys. They make a rattling sound on Even's palm. _He understands_. 

Sonja is right behind them but Even knows what he wants to do. He spots Jonas' car, black Subaru with the dent by the sides. The manner with which he opens the driver's side of the car could fool anyone. 

He's at ease. He's calm and cool. Like maybe he is on his way home and is now getting on the car _he_ owns. From a stranger's point of view that may be the case at least.

He bolts the doors shut, leans on the steering wheel with shaky hands and for the first time, since Isak, since the depression, since the ocean. He breathes. 

And it doesn't matter that his anxiety tells him not to because it feels like he's cheating on Isak. It doesn't matter that his rewinds and memories are as dark as his soul and it doesn't matter at all that he's depressed. 

He's breathing. He's _okay_. And it will be okay. And he will find Isak. 

He will breathe all the way to the surface until he sees the sun. Until he sees Isak's face, smiling and alright. 

He's not _his disease_. He will not allow himself to be known for his inability to control his emotions. The disease is only an extended version of the dark side he is. 

He sees the difference now.

And with it, realization. Isak knew who he was dealing with when he received those obsessive letters. That's a lead.

And if anyone with the right mind, thought of Even as dumb and naive before, they would surely change their mind now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early update because we're meeting a few relatives tonight. Ugh. But anywho, I hope you guys had/are having/will have a wonderful day. Ilysm guys ❤❤


	14. Yousef

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A message.

"I think this is a bad idea. A really really bad idea." Even's tired of hearing Jonas moan and whine.

A week has passed since Eva's told them her side of the story. One week since Even's float back up the ocean and into reality. He's feeling so much better ever since, the occasional drop of his mood like a bomb still inevitable at times but so far he's been back to the surface.

Right now though, he starts to think maybe he was better off struggling for breath with the waves.

Anything but to hear Jonas' frightened protests. Even thinks someone ought to stop him before he strangles the shorter lad in annoyance.

"Nothing's going to come out of it, I'm telling you," Jonas says, his arms crossed. The defiant look in his eyes makes Even want to pluck all his eyelashes out with tweezers. He's never been brutal before but Jonas is surely testing his limits now.

"Just shut up and trust me," Even consoles. The locker door opens slowly, _Isak's_ locker door to be exact.

He files through everything inside but doesn't find anything _off_. Isak's locker, just like any other boy's locker, except probably Even's, looks like it's never been used.

There are books, yes, many of them, stacked against each other haphazardly that one book's spine even looks like it's damaged. There are notebooks and papers and crumpled up notes that Isak couldn't bother to throw away. There are pens and manila folders and every essential thing one could possibly have in one's locker.

But it lacks Isak. It lacks _personality_ (Even shudders at the word he uses because _when has he become a critic at interior locker designs_?). There aren't pictures or drawings (he's very good at it and Even takes pride in the fact that he's been one of Isak's drawing subjects once) or any kind of indication that Isak owned it. It feels like Isak's entire presence has been erased.

He feels disappointed because at some point he knew he'd seen Isak hang a picture of him and Eskild once and his snapback hanging from a hook placed at the very top of the compartment. And now it's been wiped clean.

Like it was never there before. Like it was just a product of Even's imagination just like how he'd imagined the ocean in his darkest state.

"Even, we could get caught!" Jonas exclaims. The hallways and corridors are deserted, everyone off to class. But here they are, two people very dear to Isak's heart, staying outside in hopes of getting an answer from someone they think could be the kidnapper of said boy.

Even knows it's a long shot, isn't even sure the stalker would reply if he or she will indeed see the message Even's going to relay. But it's _worth_ a shot.

Jonas isn't even really afraid of getting caught while they are busting open another student's locker with sheer force ( _It's not exactly sheer force if you used a hairpin_ , Even argues.). It's the fact that they're out there, not even hiding the fact that they're skipping and Jonas isn't so much concerned about the grades as, say, his eyebrows, but he's been missing out a lot. And it doesn't help that his scary Algebra teacher's class is just around the corner.

Even places the note neatly on top of all the others, a stark contrast to all the messed up papers and books his locker has inside.

Once the locker has been securely locked, the two scurry away to the school's front yard, determined to laze out by the benches. There's no point in trying to go back to their classes. Better not go at all than risk having to be sent to detention for being almost half an hour late.

The only tricky thing they need to do is not to get caught. The punishment will be worse than just detention.

 _Nissen_ doesn't really make a big deal about skipping class. But it doesn't tolerate the act as well.

If Even needs physical proof of this statement, he doesn't need to think far. Mikael and his friends have been always on the receiving end of punishments for usually skipping school, to do obscure things Even can't even fathom.

Speaking of which, he sees Yousef's undoubtedly strong figure come striding toward them. He's alone. Which is in itself a very strange sight because everyone is just used to see them travel as a group. Like _wolves_.

But instead of going towards them and probably exchanging pleasantries like Even expected, he takes a detour to go back inside the school building. Even doubts he saw them and he doesn't even really care that much because he's been long gone from their group.

It doesn't sit well with him to think maybe some of his bestest friends before seem to tread lightly with him during a conversation like they're afraid they might break him or worse cross a line, just because _he crossed a line_ with someone in that group a few years back. But he can't necessarily just ask them out of nowhere if they've been holding grudges against him.

And it's _ironic_. It's so ironic that the one person he thought would avoid him because he tried to kiss him, is now the only person in the gang who treats him normally. He could say that maybe it was his fault, the gang's treatment with him was his doing but he has logical sense when he says it's so unfair that with only one mistake, he's lost one of the best friends he could ever have.

It's times like these that Even thinks maybe the universe _despises_ him.

"I really think we should stop whatever this is," Jonas pipes up out of nowhere, gesturing between them and to the school building which Even suspects is his way of explaining Isak's locker. "We can't get anything out of this. Only trouble. We're not even sure if he's taken somewhere or that this stalker plans to do something with him."

"Jonas. Isak's your best friend. He would do the same if you were in his situation."

Jonas rubs his palms against his jeans. "I just think this isn't safe. We aren't safe. I think whatever has conspired had taken us along with it."

The sky is reflected back into Even's pupils as he stares Jonas down. "If you want out, you can. No one's stopping you."

Even's sure at this point, no one believes him. Isak could still be out there, exploring the world with the amazement of green eyes seeing it for the first time. But on the other hand, Isak could be locked inside a cellar, with barely enough food to keep him alive.

Both these options are weighing Even down. He has to choose which one he believes. And no doubt, everyone, including Jonas now, thinks the only logical one is the first option.

 _Because the first one is easy to bear_ , he thinks. The first one doesn't make anyone choke at the guilt of not even trying to find out where he's gone. The thought of the first option doesn't make the thought of a psychopath possibly lurking around shadows seem real.

_It only makes sense people would choose the easy path._

"Even, I want to see Isak too. But I think this time, there's nothing we can do."

"There's _always_ something we can do." He needs Isak.

Before Even could explode into a thousand explanations about why he needs to find Isak, the school doors burst open and out comes Yousef, snapback wild on top of his ruffled hair. His eyes are wild as well, searching around the perimeter until they land on Even and Jonas.

"Even! You have to see something!" He shouts and Even notices the cluster of students forming around something as he looks in on one of the windows. There are gasps of astonishment, accompanied by bodies slowly backing away from what they see.

Even's feet drag him inside, Jonas hot on his heels. A group has circled around one of the lockers. A teacher is making her way through but the thick number doesn't easily make her pass.

_Isak. Isak's locker._

Even shoulders his way through the crowd, elbowing a few who shout 'hey' to which Even mumbles an apology. He hears someone say "Oh my God" and let out a shriek. What he finds in the center of the crowd is a surprise he didn't expect.

Isak's locker is open. The note, he realizes, is still inside.

 _Who are you? And where did you bring Isak?_ it says in Even's unmistakable handwriting.

The response to the question is _dramatic_. On the walls above the lockers, a blood colored message is written.

_"What's mine is mine. He's safe with me."_

Even's suspicions are proven true. Isak's kidnapper is _inside_ the school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I keep dragging the story around. Idk but I think it will be like 6 chapters left? Because I want to end it with 20 chapters so. Yah.
> 
> I hope you guys had/are having/will have a wonderful wonderful day. Ilysm ❤


	15. Vilde

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vilde's side of the story.

"I don't have time for this," Even quickly says, dodging Julian's inquisitions. He's not obligated to tell anyone anything since he's in the dark _himself_ and he needs to make sure what he says doesn't reveal any thoughts he's been having. He can't _trust_ anyone. Not Jonas, nor Julian.

But he needs to tell someone, at least. Or else he's going to explode.

 _Mikael_. Yes, he can trust Mikael.

Even weaves his way through the endless string of students waiting to hear the newest gossip or just there to bask in the glory of their classes being stopped. Even doesn't think he has it in him to feel mad but here he is, glaring at every person who so much as laughs at the words spray painted on the wall.

They think _this is a joke_. A prank someone set up. Now that they know the truth, and it's even spelled out for them in red paint, the idea of it becoming a potential threat doesn't even cross their mind.

He's so mad with fury that he almost pushes the hand on his shoulder, assuming it's Julian. He's tired of explaining things over and over to people he doesn't think of as friends (e.g. refer to the 17th word of the first sentence of this paragraph.)

"Hey," a girly voice says instead of the flamboyant throaty one he almost always hears even when Biology is over.

"I'm Vilde," the short girl introduces. She extends a hand across them, smile bright and good-natured.

Just like any other day, her hair is pulled back in a high ponytail like some _Betty Cooper_ wannabe. Though, Even must say she kind of looks like the heroine in the _Archie Comics_. The physical features are sketched just the same, but Even thinks he should stay with that comparison. Betty's the smart, perfect little daughter and Vilde is... Well, Vilde's another story entirely.

"I know." If this was any other day, he would've stomped at his own feet for being so rude. His mother didn't raise him to be harsh and all-knowing to girls. _Especially to girls._

Vilde doesn't seem fazed at all. "Yeah, I-i thought so too. I didn't think I'd--"

"I'm Even," says he, shaking the limp hand still between them. No matter how bad his day is, there's no reason to suddenly bark at anyone, even people he doesn't normally associate with.

He tries to dampen his bad mood. Vilde's handshake reminds him of a singular moment he can't quite recall.

"This must be weird, for you. That I'd suddenly talked. Introduced, myself?" Vilde speaks all this in a rush, cheeks flushed. She nods at their hands still connected and pulls away abruptly. For whatever reason, she clears her throat and tries again. "This might be weird but I wanted to talk to you about Isak. I heard that you wanted to find him and I think you have every right to be because he's been gone a long long time now. And everyone doesn't like to talk about it, about that night. But I guess I know something and you might not even remember but I was with Isak before he came on stage and you were there but not that I expect you to remember because I mean, that was---"

"Hey, breathe." And Vilde breathes, closing her eyes like she can't believe she'd started word vomiting.

His eyes find Jonas a few meters back with Mahdi and Magnus, speaking to them with all seriousness. Jonas didn't try to talk to Even after they saw what the stalker's (or kidnapper's) response was and that's Even's answer.

Jonas doesn't want anything to do with what could ensue especially if trouble could come out of it; Even respects that decision.

"I'll just talk to you about it," Even hears her say and he directs all his attention to Vilde.

 _She was so_ fucked _._

_She had a lot to drink at the pregame which she, for the first time, had hosted. And all the girls were there, even Noora. She'd never been her happiest when they started dancing around her kitchen, her mother's problems and the cracks forming between her and Magnus' relationship slowly starting not to make sense._

_It felt good, the liquor sloshing inside her stomach, the only friend she danced with on the dancefloor when Chris ate everything they served on the white linen tables and refused to be dragged away; when Noora was busy talking to William, smile ever growing so wide by the second; when Sana was passed out; when Eva became too busy snogging Penetrator Chris, not a care with who watched and judged. It was her alcohol filled stomach that gave her the confidence to dance alone._

_But she'd soon realized the consequences and_ God, when will she finally stop puking?

 _Isak came out of nowhere then, lips swollen and hair all over the place. She thought there was no funnier sight than that._ Was that correct grammar? Bah who cares.

 _He asked her how much she had drunk and there was his hot boyfriend behind him, Vilde saw._ Even _, that's his name. She holds up two, maybe three (_ wait, maybe four? _) fingers to Isak. She hoped that made sense._

 _Isak chuckled but she wasn't sure if he was laughing_ at _her or_ with _her. But before she could laugh with him, something rose to her throat, threatening to come out._

The smell was so awful, ugh.

 _She felt acid seep into her nostrils, the scent dizzying her. The feeling reminded her of times she'd drink Coke, and_ it's so similar _that it almost made her giggle._

_Even's gone when she stood up, her stomach still turning. Isak guided her to something flat and rough (it iched on her bare leg) and sat her down. The night wind seemed adamant to give her goosebumps up her arms and legs._

_"Can I tell you something, Vilde?"_

What did a sober Isak have to say to a drunk girl who could barely utter a word? _But she didn't try to correct him that maybe she'd forget about everything they'll talk about with the amount of liquor she wasn't ashamed to drink._ Hard drinking could alter someone's memory _; that's one thing Vilde knew._

_"Someone's out to get me. A best friend, if you could call him that? All I know was that he was, I dunno, great? And I didn't know he could betray my trust but maybe some of your friends could turn out to be who they aren't, I guess." Maybe he talked to her because he knew she would forget. His tone wasn't bitter. It sounded sad, even._

_"Why am I doing this? God, the things you do when your hours are numbered." He talked to himself then, face turned to the sky._

_A screeching made him turn. Which made her turn. Black car. She couldn't make out the features but the color._ Black _._

_He smiled wistfully like someone finally accepting his fate. Of course, Vilde couldn't understand the graveness of what she saw at that time, only seeing someone bright and kind like Isak taking notice of her state._

_Even returned and the cold water didn't do well with her throat because now she felt like puking again. Which she did after throwing the useless cup around._

Fuck _water. And vomit. And whoever is out to get Isak. And the wind. And her friends. And her mother. And Magnus, even._

_She's so fucked._

"Who was he talking about?" Even says.

"I don't know, really. I tried to remember everything, if he mentioned a name or something but there's just nothing. He didn't tell me."

Even could feel himself losing it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Have you guys read/watched Call Me By Your Name? If you haven't already, please watch/read. Great book, great movie. A complete masterpiece. ❤❤
> 
> Anywho, I hope you all had/are having/will have an amazing day. Ilysm guys ❤❤..


	16. Realization

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little something. And a little something to add to the little something.

After retreating to his room at 1pm (they had the rest of the day off, principal's orders after the little incident) with barely a word to Sonja, Even contemplates. There is dried blood decorating the sides of his fingernails after he's chewed and peeled the dry skin off. It doesn't hurt now, as opposed to normal circumstances where he accidentally stubs a toe or scratches the skin there. It may have something to do with his body knowing the onslaught and preparing for the pain that comes.

His heart _doesn't not_ hurt though. His body knows the blow before it hits him, knows the passcode before he even knew there was a security wall. And yet, his heart is still adamant to _feel_. Like it would experience a malfunction if it doesn't suffer the injury.

Fortunately (or unfortunately), the heart has demands he can automatically give without meaning to.

Sonja shouts a "Be back later" through his door and he hears a lock after. Probably off to buy something she forgot when she did her groceries or maybe it's him again, hogging all of the suplies and she, dismissing it all because she thinks he needs it and now she has to go on unplanned grocery trips for the both of them.

Even doesn't have the heart to forgive himself. Maybe when he's bought her one of the sequined tops she had been too keen to try on one of their shopping adventures a while back and had frowned that she had to return it back to its hanger after figuring out the price, would he feel at ease for Sonja's underappreciated kindness. Or maybe after he'd stop wallowing in his own heartbreak, first.

Funny word, that. _Heartbreak_.

He would've expected heartbreak from Isak in a different scenario. Saw him try to break it to Even that he'd thought everything was a fling in one of his so called " _imaginative anxiety scenarios_ ". But never seeing him completely disappearing and with no affirmation if he's alive.

Now _that_  is what you'd call a _melodramatic_ heartbreak.

 _But_ , Even thinks, _maybe he could still save Isak if he wants to._

So, with vigor, he tries remembering all the clues he's been given so far.

Sana said she saw a figure wearing a yellow sweater. That must've been the kidnapper, whoever he is.

Magnus' and Jonas' last talk with Isak wouldn't have been helpful. Isak, as a cover up, said he'd been thinking of getting away. In some crazy way to protect his kidnapper.

Noora's story eventually led them to the threats Isak had been having. He was stalked and probably had a chat with the kidnapper himself before everything.

Eva had figured out the kidnapper was someone they knew. Then, it was later confirmed when everyone saw his bloody message on the wall by the lockers.

And finally, Vilde. Who told him that Isak's stalker was someone very dear to him. And to which they both saw a black car.

How quickly Even's life has changed from barely talking to the guy he likes to finding out where the said guy is with barely any clues that would even make Sherlock Holmes' head ache. He writes them all out and even has the decency not to laugh at the title he's given.

**Kidnapper Facts:**

• male

• goes to Nissen

• knows where Isak lives (this could eventually not make sense if he followed Isak one day and found out all about it without Isak having to tell him to come in)

• could probably be Isak's best friend

• owns a yellow sweater

• owns a black car

And then he recalls what Vilde said after they talked about Isak.

_"I don't think it would help you with finding Isak but I heard Jonas talking to someone like, a month or so ago? And Jonas was complaining about how he and Isak were drifting away and the person he was talking to consoling him and stuff." She twirled a stray hair on her finger, giving away all her attention to the floor. But she never wavered as she continued._

_"I figured maybe Jonas had some secrets as well that could lead to Isak. I mean, it wouldn't have to matter but I guess, they're best friends right? It would seem logical that he knew something and out of respect for Isak, didn't want to tell it to anyone."_

_Even thanked her later._

_But he did wonder who Jonas was talking to._

And then it hits him.

More than the waves ever could in his head. More than the pain that went with everything else. More than his realization that he's indeed _in love_ with Isak.

It's not just an infatuation, now, he's sure. What he feels for Isak runs deeper than the distance with which he could swim on open water. It runs higher than any sort of drug or alcohol.

And it isn't just _with_ him. Because he knows Isak felt the same way, at least, a little bit.

  _You can't love someone who can't love you back_ , he hears his mother's voice. _Everyone argues about that, saying how unrequited love exists. But unrequited love isn't love. It's another way of saying_ "infatuation with someone not infatuated back but still calls it love because the feelings are deeper and ignores the fact that said someone could disgust the one who has feelings upon further introductions" _but it's longer so everyone has to settle with_ unrequited love _. Love just isn't there if it isn't mutual._

_God, he's in love._

He chastises himself when his mind runs to the one thing irrelevant to the whole thing. The more important thing is, he knows who the kidnapper is.

It now makes sense. His flashbacks hit him full force.

_"...sees how his **jumper is yellow** and he actually remembers Isak wearing one of those..." _

_"...spots his **car, black** Subaru with the dent by the sides."_

Then, Isak's words through Eva and Vilde:

_"I just wanted to let you know that **none of this is his fault.** Whatever he could do, you can't blame him." _

_"...out to get me. A **best friend** , if you could call him that?" _

_"I didn't know he could betray my trust but **maybe some of your friends could turn out to be who they aren't** , I guess."_

Finally, Vilde's observation:

_"...how he and Isak were **drifting away**..." _

It would make sense that he'd also pull away just when Even was at the peak of discovering who it is. His alibi would have to be that _"we can't get anything out of this. Only **trouble**." _

It's undoubtedly _**Jonas**_.

He is Isak's best friend. And maybe, he got obsessive when Isak was starting to drift away.

He was with Even when the kidnapper spray painted the message on the wall but he could've sent someone to do it for him. Anyone would've been happy to oblige especially at the prospect of having the rest of the day off after the principal will order everyone out in fear that a potential attack (like maybe a bomb threat, anyone can't be too sure) might happen soon after the threat, and it did happen.

He probably did that to throw Even off his trail. _Clever bastard._

And he probably would've even lied about what he said when they talked to Isak.

But Even sees all of it now. He sees broad daylight. He sees clear colors.

And he's shaking with fury.

But before he could dial Jonas' number and beat him to his own sick game, the doorbell rings. On instinct, he recoils, thinking maybe Jonas found out he knew but that would require Jonas superhuman hearing skills. And it would've been _too unrealistic to be true_.

Or it would've been Sonja, who left her keys again.

_If my anxiety was bad before, it's so much worse now._

He sighs at the thought of her roommate standing out there with bags too big for her arms to carry and feels sorry for her. If only he wasn't him, he'd be helping her out the house now, offering to do the groceries and fixing the pipes instead of Sonja calling up the plumber's again because he was _too fucking depressed_ to even stand.

He promises that he'll make up to her. In the form of a warm night out where she could forget about her academics and the problem that is Even. She deserves it.

When he swings open the door, it wasn't she that was standing behind it after all.

He almost couldn't believe it. The eyes that were haunting him, the ocean in his dreams. The love of his life.

It's _Isak_. Wearing the suit he wore on prom night, a trickle of blood on his forehead and zigzag lines in red encircling his wrist that must've been from handcuffs. His cheeks are covered with dried tears and his left leg is raised as his arms try to keep him from falling by leaning on the doorframe. He smiles, just a little.

And he stumbles forward, Even catching him on time. _Just like he always does when it comes to Isak._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you guys only knew how hard it was for me not to tell you yesterday that the next chapter would reveal the kidnapper. And include the surprise. 
> 
> But I somehow, fought the urge because I wanted it to be like BAM! And you guys would be shookt and all "I didn't saw this coming." (I really hope you said that after reading because then it would've been wishful thinking.)
> 
> And so, that's that. I guess.
> 
> The fic's ending soon. I can't say for sure how many chapters there are left but I really want it to end in 20 chapters. So yeah. Anywho, I hope you guys had/are having/will have an amazing, wonderful day. 
> 
> Also, don't hesitate to tell me what you guys think. I love to hear your feedback. Ilysm ❤


	17. The Final Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little turn goes the wrong way.

The lights are dull, the walls washed pristine white. Everything smells of detergent and that distinct smell that is only associated with hospitals. A smell Even has grown accustomed to with all the years he's spent alternating between home and hospital.

Those were the days when he first got diagnosed with bipolar disorder and his parents didn't know what to do with him when he went on dangerous trips to prove he was a good boy. He doesn't want the memories haunt him but they do as Isak lies there, pale but looking so beautiful, a thin cord coming out of his wrist.

"He's lost a lot of blood," the doctor had said, explaining the wide gash on his left leg that was closer to infection than healing. "There was nothing wrong that could alarm us, just that he has a few bruises on his hips and shoulders and some wounds on his chest. But they'll heal fast."

Even was relieved the doctor didn't ask him what happened to the unconscious boy. But maybe they weren't even allowed to ask and discuss things like that. _He wouldn't know._

A thousand thoughts barge in when he sits by Isak's side, holding his limp hand.

_How did he escape Jonas' hold? Why did he come to Even when he could go to the police? Why didn't he go to his own apartment first? What did Jonas do to him? Should he call his parents? Should he call his friends? Should anybody know that Isak is at the hospital right now?_

Isak looks so much different when he last saw him, Even can't help but think. His hair is all greasy from having not showered for a long time and his lips are cracked, pale and scabbed like he'd bitten at the flesh too many times to count.

But most of all, what Even couldn't unsee are _his eyes_. His eyes, before he closed them shut at his doorway, were dull, and lifeless. They were still green but it wasn't the emerald shade anymore; it turned into the color of a moat. Into the color of someone hurt and _still hurting_. The color of someone deprived of happiness.

But certainly still the color of someone Even once fell in love with. And still is.

The nurses that came and went were very friendly but when one asked him how Isak got his injuries, he wished her gone.

And instead of scurrying away to go to the patient next door, she stayed, very eager to have idle chitchat with a drained Even. He wasn't even listening when she went out, too embarrassed to finish her story after realizing Even was just nodding every time she paused.

 _8pm_ , the time reads. Even's been gone for a long time, no doubt worrying Sonja and Mikael, if she called him too.

But when he turns to Isak, he realizes _he doesn't want to leave him._ Not now, not _ever_. Because what if he wakes up and the first person he sees isn't Even?

He dials Sonja. Explains to her that he's at the hospital and _Isak is here_ and _I can't leave him here, Sonja._ The girl from the other side of the line sounds like she doesn't believe him but she hangs up before Even could convince her that he isn't lying.

A while later, she arrives with Mikael, holding a cup of warm tea for Even and a homemade sandwich. She almost bursts into tears when she notes the thin boy on the bed.

Mikael doesn't look at Isak at all, afraid he might see death in action but instead takes a seat by Even, eating his own sandwich and staring at the mirror just across him.

They eat in silence.

The doctor comes, wanting to speak to the closest relative of Isak so Even calls Isak's father (he's memorized Isak's home number and his parents' as well upon reading Isak's file back when he was still stalking him, but _no one needs to know that_ ) and with as little words as possible, he tells him Isak is at the hospital.

Isak's father has a strong build, Even discerns, with eyes and hair not so different from Isak. _This must be what Isak will look like 10 years from now._ His smile is warm but Even sees it falter after seeing his own son.

"Maybe you should take a rest," he says to the three of them.

Mikael and Sonja nod solemnly, thanking him with a handshake and dragging Even away. Even feels so empty he doesn't even acknowledge his feet following after them.

He wasn't able to sleep a wink that night.

••••••••••••••••••••••

The following day is a blur. Until his fist comes into contact with Jonas' jaw and everything comes screaming in color and clarity.

"What the fuck, bro," Jonas says, eyes wild. He's clutching his jaw and standing up, making sure that there's distance between them.

Magnus stands behind him as well. A few others who are in their little circle looks on with fright and shock, pointless chatter they were engaged in a few moments ago, forgotten.

They're at the courtyard, he registers. _Early morning. Not so many people around. Yet._

"Even!" Someone shouts behind him. He's lunging at Jonas again before a pair of strong arms hold him back.

"Even," Mikael says behind him, desperately trying to pull him back.

"You're sick, Jonas! You're _fucking sick_ , you bastard!" Even shouts. He attracts a few people walking by but his gaze is focused on the one person who destroyed Isak's life. "What did Isak even do to you, huh?! _You're sick._ "

Jonas frowns with dawning recognition. "I didn't do anything to Isak. I'm not his kidnapper, if that's what you're trying to say!" The curly lad seems genuinely confused that Even almost believes him. Anger is starting to show in Jonas.

"Don't even lie to me. I figured it all out, you twat." Even notices that they're now surrounded, a circle of students peering in to hopefully witness a fight.

He half expects Jonas to smile at him, admit what he's done. Possibly even laugh at him for not figuring it out a long time ago. Like some sort of villain.

But Jonas only looks at him in confusion, still. And a mix of irritation as he denies yet again Even's accusation. Magnus hasn't left his spot by Jonas' side and when he looks up to Even, there's a hint of disappointment. 

Mikael is pulling him back again and again until he lets him, too stunned to fight back. He's so empty he forgets about his rage. 

Isak is okay now, safe in his father's protection at the hospital, but he still feels like he's missing something. He doesn't understand why Jonas did not cower in fear when he pointed an accusing finger at him. Why he's still standing there like he couldn't believe Even.

Mikael has pulled him into a secluded part of the school yard. Even can't take the silence so he spills out everything to Mikael. From the conclusion he had made to when Isak showed up to their doorstep. He tells him everything, because he'll lose his mind if he doesn't.

And Mikael doesn't try to interrupt him. Just rests a steady hand on his shoulder until he loses his voice to silence once again.

_He doesn't feel so alone anymore._

With the troubled case surrounding Isak, it doesn't help that everyone isn't so into it like he is. But at least someone shares his burden now.

He doesn't have to swim the ocean all by himself because he's not losing his mind. He _refuses_ to lose his mind.

"Isak is fine now, Even. Maybe you're just stressed and---" A cold _splash_. Nobody believes him.

 _Fuck_. Maybe he's out of his mind now.

Maybe Isak wasn't kidnapped at all and everything was the universe giving him a big ' _fuck you_ '.

 _Shit_. He's going to be sent to a shrink, forced to think he will heal, he will be cured. That his mind is the enemy. That everyone doesn't blame him for conjuring up images only he could see.

A text alerts him to reality. An unknown number.

" _It's not Jonas. Come find me_."

The shortness of the message sends a horrifying feeling to Even's gut. It is 6-word long but it couldn't have been clearer.

Even's _wrong_. Jonas is not to blame. Someone is still out there.

And it's reasonable because then, _it would've been too easy_. Finding out that it was Jonas would have been easy. _He's clever_ , _the little shit,_ Even will give him that. 

This time, Even realizes, it's not only about taking back Isak. The kidnapper wants something else other than Isak at his mercy.

Even shudders at the thought.

This time, _he'll be dancing with the devil himself._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Somehow, I have the talent of making people hate me. For lack of better terms, please don't hate me. Yet.
> 
> Ilysm ❤❤


	18. Emma

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Emma's side of the story. The Devil is revealed.

It's Tuesday and he's a _mess_. He doesn't try to look for Jonas again, try to apologize for the mistake he's made. He doubts there is still dignity left in him to face the younger lad.

After sending him an unexpected punch, what was he supposed to say? _"You're right, I'm wrong. Maybe I was clouded with anger and didn't see sense. Friends again?"_

That's even worse than trying to apologize to Sonja. He's such a mess.

Biology class starts in less than 2 minutes and he's seated at his usual chair. He sets his bag down beside him. He doesn't have the energy to listen to his professor but if he wants to act normal, he has to.

The text he'd received that morning had shaken him to his core. Left him wide, breathless, gasping into the ocean.

He's _so sure_ , has finally set his mind into someone he could blame. His mind had seen Jonas capable of the act. And to have all that come to bite him in the face, pull him from under the rug he's been standing on, was as terrifying as any when Isak was still missing. It means that he's fallen one step behind from the truth. It means that the devil himself (Even resorts to calling him that) is still far out of reach and still very capable of turning everything into what he's planned. The uncertainty, the idea that danger has still not disappeared, is enough to keep Even on his toes.

Julian sits beside him, a smile on his face. Even has been tempted a long time ago to wipe that annoying smile with a punch.

He doesn't know why he's suddenly harbored feelings of irritation and annoyance for Julian when he had no problem being genuine friends with him before. Maybe it was the way he talked to Magnus. Or maybe, that his presence, even when it's unwelcomed, still stays. Or maybe his enthusiasm just annoys Even to no end because he's long since felt that.

"I heard you had a strong left fist. People's been buzzing about it by the hallways. You okay?"

And okay, maybe Julian could be a good guy if he wants to be.

"It's just. I don't know. I'm stressed lately." It's not a valid excuse to punch someone in the face and point a finger at him, is what he wants to say. But then he'd have to explain the real reason and he's not sure he should tell Julian about the Devil. "I'm such a mess."

"I know. Ever since Isak disappeared, everything's been such a mess."

"How would you know?" He suddenly feels angry again. He doesn't want Julian's pity to smack him in the face.

And besides, it's not like he needs sympathy. Isak is alive and is on his way to recovery. There's nothing to sympathize over.

He tells Julian this, discovering there's no harm in telling him. Mikael and Sonja knew. And soon enough, when he finally has the guts to confront Jonas, he'd tell him too. Isak needs people in school, cheering him up and he thinks maybe they deserve the truth.

"That's great. Can I visit him sometime soon?"

Even knows Julian has no business with Isak. But he's been there when Even and Jonas were trying to figure out who the Devil was. And as much as Even hates to admit it, he's been helpful.

"Yeah sure. I'm positive Isak would appreciate the gesture."

Maybe Even's wrong about Julian. Like he's wrong about the Devil. Like he's wrong about everything else.

••••••••••••••••••••••

It isn't easy. Magnus can't look him in the eyes, Mahdi's eyes are anything but warm and Jonas, his bruise looking so painful, is poker faced.

After weighing everything down, he decides he should apologize to Jonas, tell him the good news and be off with it. He would sound like an arse but he's Isak's best friend, he should at least know where Isak is now.

He wants to tell him everything, like what he said to Mikael, try to make him see that as much as Jonas didn't want to be punched, Even wasn't exactly keen on punching him either.

But that would be _too selfish_. He would be trying to excuse himself from the injury he's inflicted upon Jonas. Which isn't fair. Because it's his fault for even launching at Jonas the second he suspected him.

So he instead apologizes, doesn't give any hints about his stress being the cause for his mistake like what he's told Julian. He tells him how Isak is fine at the hospital which emits gasps from both Mahdi and Magnus.

The corners of Jonas turn up in the slightest of smiles and shakes Even's hand like a proper truce.

He doesn't mention the Devil.

Jonas turns solemn once again. "I also kind of owe you an explanation. I have been suspecting someone for a while now. But I don't want it---"

"Hey." A girl with pixie cut comes into view, waving an arm to Jonas' direction. Upon closer inspection, it's Emma. Her hair is so much different when Even last saw her.

And linked with her arm, is the arm of none other than _Nissen's_ football superstar Brian Møller. The ease they both feel around each other suggests they're anything but just friends.

The jealousy Even usually feels around the girl like the night he---

A wave of emotions come rushing to him. The whole night comes back to him in a rush, like a video in fast forward.

He feels dizzy again. Like that night.

And he remembers passing out and then black. Like a lapse in memory.

"You okay?" Magnus says from beside him and he nods. His head hurts, replaying everything from that night.

"I wanted to talk to you guys about Isak."

"He's okay now. He's at the hospital." Even comments offhandedly.

"No, I think there's something else you might want to know." Jonas and Even turn to each other at that. "I might know who took Isak that night."

Even starts to feel anxious. Another question then? Another thing he has to turn over in his head at night because he can't sleep? He doesn't think he can take the Devil's torture anymore.

Jonas gestures for her to continue. Brian rubs her back encouragingly beside her.

_Emma's smile couldn't be wider. She'd been crowned Prom Queen and it might sound like a preteen's dream but she'd always wanted to be on stage._

_Isak was smiling as well beside her but she could see the façade he's keeping up. She knew he'd prefer to be down there, with his boyfriend. Away from the limelight._

_That's what made her attracted to him before. He was always down-to-earth and always spoke the truth._

_Best of all, he doesn't try to be someone else for everybody to like him. He was always him and everybody still liked him the same._

_"You should try to at least enjoy the moment," she whispered to him between clenched teeth._

_Isak laughed genuinely. "You never changed, huh?" It didn't sound brash or cocky._

_"Old habits die hard," she said as she turned around to place both arms around his neck. The slow song started and they both swayed to the music._

_She could tell he was starting to feel uncomfortable so she removed herself from him._

_And then everything stopped._

_The lights went down, the music came to a halt and it was silence. Pure, plain darkness._

_She saw a flash of something by the sides of the stage and Isak coming down silently towards it._

_The gym had another door that led outside that not everyone knew was there. It was opposite the stairs._

_Then she saw a figure open the door and speak to Isak in hushed tones. The room was entirely black for her to make out their features._

_Then there was instant brightness and she could see it was Julian. And as if on cue, he looked up and saw her and smiled. The smile of someone capable of doing anything._

_He grabbed Isak and out they went._

"I didn't thought of it that time as something out of the ordinary. He and Isak were best friends in elementary from what I heard until Julian had to drop off school. Nobody knew the reason why but when he came back, he was changed. He became such a douchebag and only talked to people he was close to or if he had anything he needs from them."

Jonas' eyes convey something to Even then. "I have always suspected Julian. He was the only one capable of doing those things to Isak. I was going to tell you that this morning but another surprise caught me off guard," he says pointing to his jaw. He tries to laugh it off.

But Even can't grasp everything yet. "How? I mean, if you knew, why didn't you try to confront him? Or call the police on him?"

Emma makes her exit known then, thinking she's no longer needed.

Jonas turns to Even with solemn eyes. "I can't exactly tell that to the authorities when I wasn't really sure that it's him. Until now. But I guess--"

"Shit!"

Jonas jumps. "What is it?"

"I have to go to Isak." _I might have delivered him to the Devil's trap._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, as I was reading the comments yesterday, I stumbled upon a comment made by lopi (because I'm a wimp idk how to tag or mention or something) and omg, idk if I made it obvious that it was Julian or if he/she is just too smart. But anywho, here is another chapter and hopefully, in a few hours, there's another one. Because it's Christmas and I feel like updating so.
> 
> Merry Christmas Eve ilysm guys ❤❤


	19. Julian II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The confrontation.

_Tick tock._

Slow. _Tick tock._

Like a turtle making its way to a pond. Like a caterpillar resting in its cocoon. Like an old compass.

His heart continues to race as the cab makes the slow journey towards the hospital. He's told the driver to go faster but the traffic prevents him from doing so. And all he can hear is the rushing sound of the waves as it comes near to shore then dissolves, flattens to go back to where it belongs. 

 _Tick tock._  

He can't think of oceans. Not right now.

It's funny how the mind conjures images from any type of stimuli. Funny how when he runs a finger through his hair, he thinks of kissing Isak and finally, _finally_ touching that soft hair of his. Funny how when he draws blood from the reddened fingernails, he thinks of Isak lying there with a pool of blood around him. Funny how when they stop at the hospital, he thinks of his hands, calloused and slender, encircling Julian's throat. 

_Tick tock._

He takes two steps at a time, muscles feeling the stretch and pain but he never stops. Never stops to breathe, never to rest his legs.

Just goes up.

And up.

And up.

_Why did the lift have to be out of order now?_

He's memorized this path now. _Straight, straight then left then a few doors down and it's Isak's room._

_Tick tock._

He raises a hand to knock. But there's no point if someone's already waiting on the other side.

When he pushes it open, he's met with the scent of newly mopped floors and strong air freshener. Isak's still on the bed but he's awake, staring at Even. His dad isn't around. It's just him. And the sounds of a comedy sitcom playing in the television.

He expects Julian to jump out at him from behind the door. Or from inside the bathroom, with his usual smug. Ready to finally spill all the beans. And whip out a knife or gun or something. _Anything_. He's the Devil after all.

But he's not there. 

_Tick tock._

"What are you doing?" Isak asks, voice steady but rough. He's breathless after the last word, like talking takes a lot effort than just watching.

"I-nothing. I, you're alright." He smiles, a little breathless too.

_Tick tock._

_Why is his mind still counting down to an imaginary bomb_?

"Yeah. I am." 

_Tick tock. Tick tock._

The door swings open. With it, the scent of coffee. 

Julian waltzes in, places one coffee on the table and the other to sip. It takes him a moment to notice someone else in the room.

"Oh, I didn't know you were coming. I would've gotten you coffee. Or tea?" He shakes his head. Normal. His expression doesn't give away anything. 

_Tick tock._

His shoes squeak as he returns to the table to exchange his coffee with the one still sitting untouched. "My mistake," he mutters a little cheerily. Even finds his tone disturbing.

Isak doesn't try to lift his coffee, the right one, to his lips. His arms are rigid by his side.

Even awaits the final tick tock. The final blow. The final truth.

_Tick tock._

Julian stares at him, expression half-interested and half-amazed. He narrows his eyes, stalks a little closer to Even, as if he's staring right through his soul. Even stops himself from shivering at the thought. 

He sips his coffee, curiousity still piqued. Even stares back.

It's a dance. A push and a twirl and then a glamorous _pirouette_. The one who falls, the one who misses the step, the one who backs away, loses.

Even's determined to push and push and push. 

_Tick tock. Tick tock._

Julian raises an eyebrow. Even raises his back. 

The older lad doesn't know how long they've been standing there, eyes alight with determination to push.

But Julian breaks away, laughing. " _Oh_."

 _Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock_.

He throws his head back, the way he would if he found something particularly funny with their Biology teacher (perhaps a white stain that could only come from her toothpaste or perhaps there's food stuck in her teeth; no matter how small, Julian acts like it's the most hilarious joke he's heard). Even feels self-conscious. But he doesn't show it.

_First to push is the weakest but the first to back away still loses._

_Tick tock._

His demeanor does a 180 degree turn. Stoic. Calm. Hardly showing any emotion at all.

His shoulders are pulled back, spine straightened to make him look taller. Steely gaze directed at Even. Hands, with a steadiness Even can't comprehend, place his beverage alongside Isak's.

But his lips are carved into a sinister grin. " _Oh_ ," his voice is an octave lower as well. 

And just like that, Even knows nothing of the Julian he once made puns with in class.

 _Boom_.

Time suspends, delays. Their dance has stopped. But the battle has officially begun.

"I know that look, Even." Feral. He chuckles, a sound vibrating from his throat. "I know _you_ know. And isn't that... _fantastic_?" He breathes, clucks his tongue then beams at him. 

Even has no time playing in circles. He cuts to the core. "What do you want from Isak?"

Julian furrows his eyebrows. Contemplates. "Isak? Isak," he gestures to the pale boy still on his bed and witnessing the exchange, "Isak? No! No no no no. I don't want anything from Isak. Though I might have at some point. I never really stalked him, you know? That sounds so _malicious_. I prefer _admiring from afar_." 

This is all a game to him. Fury, blazing hot, courses through Even and he has to stop to take a deep breath. 

"But, you, however. I want something from _you_." Just as he expects. The text was the decoy. And like a bird, catching death at its final hour, delivering the blow to feel, Even goes straight to his hands.

"I was expecting this, you know? A final boom. The biggest ending to all. I mean, I'm a genius, aren't I?" 

_Calm down._

"I just never thought it would be in front of the person you love." He doubles over in laughter, crazy and manic.

It hit something in Even's chest. _Don't let it get to you._

"Aww, the cute little lovebirds, at their weakest moments." Julian claps his hands together in evil glee. 

Even's heart starts hammering. "Leave Isak out of this. What you want from me has nothing to do with him."

Julian seems to like what he hears. "There. The great Even finally saving the day with his big hero cape and mask. Willing to save any damsel."

His movements are small, feline-like as he takes a step toward Even. "Look at you, all heroic. All big muscles and tender kisses. Now, this," he points to the space between the two of them, "this right here is the moment I've been waiting for.

"Sweet, sweet Even. You can't just let it go, can you? Isak is already safe, here. You've seen him. He's alive. He's okay. But you just have to figure everything out, don't you? You don't just want to save Isak, you want to proclaim to everyone that you saved him. You want to know everything, find out who the stalker was, finish him? Admit it, at some point you thought of that." Even swallows.

Julian continues, having prepared this speech beforehand. "What was it Even? Was it the glory? The fame? The _love_? That you want?"

"Don't make me sound just like you. I am nowhere the same as you are, you bastard."

"Of course you aren't, Even." He plays with the metal footboard, fingers tickling it like a piano. "I didn't say you are."

_He wants to emit a response from me. He wants me angry. Provoke me so I'll say things he wants._

"Oooh, by the way," the younger lad says, like he remembers a juicy story and he has tell Even. His eyes are full of delight and he taps his thigh in anticipation. "I'm going to tell you everything in narrative. It's gonna be awesome and great because, I won't settle for less than that, right?" Even doesn't reply but he continues anyway.

"So, as you probably already know. Isak and I were good friends. We were inseparable. You wouldn't see Isak and not see me there with him as well and vice versa and stuff. Then, my idiotic parents had to send me to a shrink. I mean, a _fucking shrink_. Because I had ADHD. _ADHD my arse._ Then, fast forward to high school and I was sent back. I saw him with Jonas and I just knew. _I just knew_ I had lost one good friend because of that fucking disorder. People were looking at me like I was crazy. I was the biggest gossip subject for everyone." His eyes show resent and sadness as well. But it's gone when Even blinks. 

"And I _loved_ it." His face lights up like a Christmas tree, leaving Even confused at the conflicting emotions he showed. "I loved the attention. I was famous and awesome. And it was great, really.

"And then, Isak _had_ to pity me. In some sick way, he wanted to be my friend again. Which is low coming from you, Issy," he says to Isak. "You don't want to be friends with a psychopath."

He flits his gaze to the standing lad in front of him once again. "I was not sad by the way Even. I wasn't doing this out of sadness. Or revenge. Or pity or something." The way the words come out of his mouth, it makes Even want to grab him and shove a fist down his throat. 

"Anyways, back to the story. So Isak and I, we were back to friends. And so was Jonas and Magnus. God, I _hate_ that kid. He pisses me off. Which in turn, makes me do things that piss him off so, _friendship over_." He makes a big 'X' with his hands.

"Then, Isak's parents got divorced. He had nowhere to go. He went on trips. Like spontaneous ones. And sometimes I go with him. I know he's doing it just to prove he can. And I'm _sick of it._ Sick of his drama. Sick of the lies and the climax. So I decided to make one as well. What, Isak's the only one who can have fun? 

"So I started this grand scheme to make him disappear and leave clues around. But then, I thought, it sounded just like _PaperTowns_ so I was like 'nah leave it' then torture Jonas because he's fun to play with. He told me like a few months ago that Isak was starting to drift away from him. It was so hilarious. He was like a lost puppy, eager to follow Isak around." Even knows this. Vilde overheard them and Even thought Jonas had the secrets. That Jonas was the culprit.

"And then, I saw you. You were more than a puppy. You were _a slave_. You worshipped the ground Isak trampled on. Thus, making you the perfect target.

"I set traps. I wore one of Isak's yellow jumper that was similar to Jonas' and I might have borrowed his car on prom night. He didn't even blink. Was too focused on his and Isak's friendship to realize I had dented his car while taking Isak away.

"And everything just settled into place. I slipped a small dose of _GHB_ on to your drink when you were busy looking at Isak and I expected that you'd drop down and stop moving. But I think your medications weren't wearing off easily. It prevented it from happening. But you were still powerless, I think it would've been worth it.

"I called Isak a few hours before that night. Just a warning. I wouldn't want to scare him off right away, no. Then, I held him in a motel, because why would I choose an abandoned building? That would make me _look like the villain_. And then I punched him when I wanted to, treated him like the ragdoll he is. I hated his weakness and he seemed to take it silently. Of course he did. He knows what I could do with a knife." 

Even flinches and moves to stand directly in front of Isak. "I'm not with a knife now, _sweetheart_. But now that you know everything to my story, on to more important matters.

"Do you have any idea how long I've waited for someone to understand me? And here you are, flesh and bone. _My soulmate._

"I sent you sniffing on Jonas' trail and just as I anticipated, you suspected him. That little scene I created by the lockers? A _classic_ ," he chuckles. "You guys are so tense. You should try to relax more though." 

Even takes a step back, his knees hitting the metal bed. His hand steadies himself by the metal edges. Isak's hand reaches out for his.

Julian's face morphs into rage. "Even, snap out of your daydream. You are not and you will never be the hero. You will never be the star. You will never be appreciated. I've learnt that, my dear. You will always be your disease."

Even admits there is sense in Jonas' words. He's always wanted to be appreciated, seen for who he truly is. Not just seen as someone worth caring for because he's not a _motherfucking charity case_. 

He understands then. He understands the whole point of this reveal. Understands why Julian has to create a grand disappearance because underneath that _façade_ , underneath that genius mind, underneath that brick wall, is still a heart yearning to be loved.

And he had no one. 

Isak was being a great friend, a friend Julian needed. And Julian, being alone all his life, misunderstood it as pity. Isak was the only one willing to accept the lad but Julian pushed him away.

Which made Even still a little bit higher. He has Mikael and Sonja and his friends, his parents. And maybe even Isak, if he wants to.

"I am nothing like you Julian."

"Keep denying that, and you will destroy yourself. You're not meant to walk school hallways and listen to boring lectures. You're meant for something greater. Like I am. So please, just snap out of it." He's irritated now. 

"Look at yourself. You're showing your weak side. And for _what_? A mere 17-year-old boy who couldn't reciprocate the feelings? You're better than that Even."

Isak's thumb rubs his wrist in comfort.

Even stares. "You make me sick, Julian, I admit that. The way you see things. Your perspective. You're the weak one. You try to hide your fears. You try to hide your love with a thick wrap of apathy. But with that, I see you now. Isak too.

"You don't just want me to join you on your way to self destruction because you want what's best for me. You want to prove that someone still understands you. You don't have to do that, Julian. I see you, _I understand you_."

Even doesn't know where this is coming from. He could just strangle Julian if he wants to. Let him suffer the way he did Isak.

But Julian is like a deprived child. To fight his violence, he needs to push with the softness and the fragility of words. 

"Even, can you hear yourself? Look---"

"Julian, no one will blame you. We can understand." It feels like he's talking to a child. "You're not alone."

"Of course I am. I---"

The sound of police sirens fills the air. Then, a large commotion from outside.

Even doesn't know if he should feel relieved that their dangers are now over or hurt for Julian and what he could still do.

But Julian doesn't feel the fear. He instead rejoices at the prospect of being caught.

Julian is just _lost_. A 17-year-old making his journey when he appears at a fork in the road. And instead of choosing one and living to either regret or rejoice at his decision, he stops. He just stands there, unblinking, unmotivated. And at some point, he rests there, at the _in between_.

Julian's smile is deep. That is then when Even realizes, there's no turning back for that boy. He's already gone and lost himself. He'll never be the same.

Even doesn't know why he hesitates but he hugs Julian. Like they are old time pals. 

Julian doesn't speak, just lets his arms loose and that is _the end of it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fuck. I don't know how to write things like this.
> 
> The "admiring from afar" comment made by Julian was taken from Troye Sivan. Great guy.
> 
> GHB is a drug. A date rape drug. 
> 
> Also, I'm so sad, I slept my way through 12am. Christmas is bad. Ugh. Life is just dandy.
> 
> Also, epilogue soon.
> 
> Anyway, Merry Christmas, guys. Hope you will have the grandest time. ❤


	20. After (Epilogue)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A shared moment in Isak's POV. ;)

The wheels make an awful scraping sound against the concrete road. It doesn't help that they have to stop at some point especially when encountering an uneven spot.

Isak doesn't seem to mind, hoping the other lad doesn't as well, hands resting on his lap. The silence between them would've been overbearing if it weren't for the fact that a lot of things happened in a span of 30 minutes (Isak's long time friend getting arrested and probably sent away for everybody's well being) and the shock still hasn't worn off.

Isak sighs. So much has happened in the past month that just being wheeled to the garden by his (soon to be?) boyfriend is as good as a dream and he's waiting to wake up.

The older boy still hasn't said anything from behind him since Julian left. It probably also took a toll on him to see a friend (more like _Biology partner_ ) practically shoved inside a police car in handcuffs. 

They come to a stop at the middle of the _so called_ garden. There isn't much to see except shrubs and leaves and all things green. There weren't even flowers.

"I-I'm sorry," Even says, his figure coming to view in Isak's peripheral vision. He moves a bit and to Isak's surprise, kneels in front of him, head resting on the younger boy's lap. His arms are covered around his face so Isak couldn't make sense of his emotions but it feels like a _promise_. A promise that sounds a lot like _"I will protect you from now on. I'm sorry I hadn't been doing a great job at that. And look what's happened."_

Even, _God bless his big heart_ , probably thought this was all his fault despite the fact that Julian's confession and confident proclamation says it all. Isak isn't blind and he's certainly not deaf. He's worth something to the boy currently on his knees (don't even think about it), probably worth more than his life by the way he stood protectively in front of him when Julian mentioned a knife offhandedly.

"Even, it's okay," Isak says, tone soft. He pushes the taller lad's arms away gently and his fingers slide from forearm, to wrist and then to slender hands.

Isak had always been _enchanted_ by Even's hands. The palms were calloused but the fingers were soft, the sharp contrast fascinating the lad. He has always wondered what it would be like to hold this hand around everywhere and kiss it whenever he feels like it. And from the looks of it, he's hoping _he'll get to find out soon_.

He kisses each knuckle, then to the fingers and then finally to his palm, all while looking at Even close his eyes when his lips make contact to his skin.

There are so many words he wishes to say in that moment, to offer assurance, provide comfort to Even who looks devastatingly close to having a breakdown. He can't imagine what the lad has gone through while he was away (Julian was always keeping him up to date with everything that's happened as he was stuck in that awful smelling motel room with a bunch of granola bars and a can of beer for a meal), actually, he _could_ imagine, but that doesn't mean it cuts close to the real thing.

Isak gets a glimpse of Even's pained blue orbs when he opens his eyes. Isak imagines him not being able to keep them open at night. Too exhausted, too broken to even consider sleep.

And when Even turns to hide them behind his eyelids again, he kisses Even.

He kisses Even on the forehead at first. It's not practically easy because he has to stoop down to meet Even. But it works. It works because it has to.

The fragility of the moment makes Isak's heart ache. It's like he was revisiting a moment from an alternate universe where Even's episodes became too much and he was there to watch over him. But sadly, _in this universe_ , he thinks, _I wasn't by Even when he's depressive episode consumed him. Maybe even I was to blame for the said episode._

Even's breath seems to catch as Isak makes sure his lips come into contact with Even's closed eyelids, then his nose, his cheekbones, his chin, his jaw and then altogether stops.

He's memorizing him, inch by inch, drawing a picture with his lips and touching places they've never been to.

Isak waits to see Even's blue blue ocean eyes and when they meet his, the atmosphere shifts. The moment seems charged, _electrified_. And Even and Isak are the magnets, parallel at first but have changed course to intersect at the middle.

"Kiss me," Even whispers. A promise. That he won't ever let go.

And Isak does.

The second their lips meet, Isak realizes how much he's missed the feel of Even, _the smell_ _of Even_ on him. Their kiss is slow, tentative like they're afraid the moment would break if they do the opposite.

Isak's not determined to progress it into a hard, sensual one, doesn't want it even, because he knows Even _will fall_. He will fall into deep darkness once again; the signs are showing.

"I'm sorry," Even blurts when they break apart. It's not a promise. It's the apology it actually is.

He's sorry for what happens next, sorry he can't stop it, sorry it's going to happen again and Isak is going to witness it now. For the first time.

Isak holds the older lad's cheek tenderly, strokes away a tear. "It's okay. I'm here." He pulls the taller lad, who seems to have lost the confidence he once had in the face of potential danger, his arms around the kneeling boy's neck, an embrace.

"I'm not going anywhere." _I'm not going to get kidnapped again_ , he doesn't say. This time, he's the one making promises.

As if he can't control the words from falling, Even mutters, in a low voice, "I love you."

"I love you, Even." Not an agreement, but a confession.

He kisses Even once again, knows what's in store for them but he won't be gone anymore. He'll stay. _No matter what it takes._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. So, this is the end.
> 
> I promised myself I won't feel anything after I've finished this but I actually kind of do.
> 
> I just wanted to thank everyone who helped and inspired me to continue. You guys, who left comments and gave me feedback. I never really thought I'd be so lucky for having wonderful people like you appreciate my work. I expected this fic to be just in the archive, just there, existing. And my useless notes will remain unanswered. But I was in for a shock.
> 
> This is it, really. 
> 
> I hope I see you guys in my next fics which will be posted very very soon. And per usual: I hope you guys had/are having/will have an amazing amazing day. Ilysm guys ❤
> 
> And a very Merry Christmas to all of you. x


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